


The Blue Eyed Jailer

by KitaruArashi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Love, M/M, No Supernatural themes, Oral Sex, Sex Toys, Slow To Update, Sub Drop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-04-04 19:38:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 25,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4150299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitaruArashi/pseuds/KitaruArashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean goes mad after the death of Sam. Only the best psychologist and strangest therapies can bring him back now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Jailer

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to my lovely beta reader, SassySides

The Blue eyed Jailer

Dean kept his eyes forward, not hearing a single that was said.  
He didn't care what happened now. He killed that she-witch, the one who stole his Sammy. Oh she didn't take him by force, she wasn't strong enough. But with her coy smiles, her soft touches, and then later the addiction, the addiction that killed him. The drug that ended his brother’s life. Dean shut that line of thought down, the pain radiating through his middle.

Didn't matter now, Ruby was dead.

*-*-*

Castiel watched the guards shackle Dean Winchester's hands together. The man put up no resistance. His eyes looked on, completely un-seeing. He seemed more dead than alive. He assumed this was why he was called, rather than simply putting the man in a penitentiary. He was the best reform counselor in the country. Someone liked this man enough to fight for Castiel to be an option.

A small sigh escaped his lips as his eyebrows pulled together. He didn't like the state calling him in, the case was foreign to him. He preferred proper preparation prior to talking on a case. It gave him a better idea how to handle each person. Every person responded differently, each needing their own kind of training.

His footsteps were sure as he approached the bench.

"I'll need all the transcripts and cased files your Honor." His voice was steady, regardless of his displeasure. The old man at the bench nodded and pointed to the lawyer at the desk.

"He'll get you anything you need." Castiel nodded and walked over to the short man at the desk. He had short dark brown hair, brown eyes and what appeared to be several days’ worth of salt and pepper stubble.

"Hello. I'll need all the transcripts and the case files please." Castiel's voice was soft but demanding.

"Of course, I have them all prepared. I knew you would need them. Thank you for coming, Mr. Novak."

"I didn't really have a choice in the matter. Do I know you?"

"No. But I'm the one who asked the court to consider private rehabilitation. My name is Crowley MacLeod, but please just call me Crowley."

"I see. Do you know Mr. Winchester?"

"No his uncle Bobby Singer is a friend; however it was more than that. There are a lot of reasons a prison would be a very bad idea. You'll see what I mean when you look through all the files. Dean is a good man, he needs help. You're the best; we are hoping you can figure out what kind of help he needs." Crowley's voice was soft as he said the last part. Castiel could tell he cared quite a bit for Dean.

"I'll keep you updated." Castiel picked up the box of files and walked steadily to the exit.

*-*-*

The guards pulled dean out of the car and walked him into a large apartment building. Dean felt the confusion, questions that wanted his attention. He denied the active thoughts. They always led to thoughts of Sam, and the crippling pain. He allowed himself to absorb the sight of the building, the smooth feel of the elevator as it took him to the top floor. He felt the small band that the guards locked around his ankle.

"You won't be able to leave this apartment.” The man's voice was gruff. He heard the door lock behind them as they left. The light slowly shifted as he just stood looking around the room he had been left in. There were three tall windows that offered a view he was not interested in. A black leather couch and chair set had two small end tables and a coffee table settled in a comfortable looking arrangement with a TV and fireplace nearby. It was a living room, a comfortable looking one. 

Dean could see the kitchen from where he was but there was no interest to look around. He turned around when he heard the door open. A man a little shorter than himself walked through the door with a large box of papers. He had on a long tan trench coat and his hair looked like the wind had destroyed any attempt at taming the short black strands. His eyes stood out the most; they were an unbelievable shade of blue. His blue tie hung slightly crooked.

"Hello Dean. Has anyone told you what is happening, or who I am?" The man's voice was like the mist tumbling over the jagged edge of a cliff at dawn.

The man closed the door and just stood there waiting for Dean's answer so he shook his head no.

"My name is Castiel. I'll be your rehabilitation specialist. You will stay here with me until I deem you able to rejoin society."

"So you, alone are my jailer?" It was the first time Castiel had heard him speak. His voice was husky and dark, and surprisingly sexy.

"In a way I suppose. Why is that a problem?" Castiel looked at Dean hoping to keep him talking, so he could learn just a little from first hand conversation with the man.

His hope was in vain, Dean just shrugged. Castiel felt his eyes draw together in a slight frown.

"Why don't you sit down Dean, I have some work to do." Dean watched Castiel walk to the kitchen so he sat down on one of the small arm chairs.

Two hours latter Castiel pulled his hands down his face. The papers strewn out around him painted a bleak picture.  
Dean was a mess, a co-dependent, self loathing, angry, repressed, hurting mess. Looking through the way his life had rolled out under his feet, well, there was only one way Castiel could see to bring him around, show him how to live.

With his father being the way he was, Dean knew how to follow orders. However giving Dean an order only worked if you were his father. You could make him obey with force, if of course you could over power him, (Castiel might be able to but he wasn't enjoying the idea of a fist fight with the muscular man).

The only time he let down his guard was during sex.

If combined, the three made a suitable training method. An established, dominant and submissive relationship with sexual components to make him receptive to the training that was so at odds with his childhood training just might work.

Castiel sighed as he set all the files back in the box and walked to the living room. Dean had fallen asleep in the armchair.

'I've never allowed sex to be part of my work. I just can't think of any other way to make him amiable. He was trained like a marine. Feelings are a weakness, this is what he believes. The only softer feeling he allowed himself was the love of his brother. When that was taken away...'

Castiel watched him sleep. He was very attractive, sex on legs if he was being honest. It wouldn't be hard to have sex with him. Keeping the border on personal and professional feelings on his part might be a problem, but he couldn't turn him away. Not knowing what he had been through, knowing how he must feel. Empty, alone, worthless and useless. No one should have to feel that way.

The only problem was, was Dean straight?


	2. Going through the motions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is short. :/ It was mostly a transition chapter

Going Through the Motions  
Castiel knew touching Dean to wake him up wouldn't go well, but if Dean hit him upon waking up, it might put him in an apologetic and more open mind set. He hoped.  
He reached out his hand and lightly shook his shoulder. Dean’s response was immediate his hand locked around Castiel's wrist in a bruising grip, his other hand coming up and latching painfully tight on Castiel's wind pipe. Castiel stayed perfectly still waiting for Dean's awareness to catch up to him hands. As Dean’s hands loosened he looked at Castiel in frustration.   
"What?" Dean's voice was gravelly and heavy with sleep, but it held no amount of regret. Dean dropped his hand back in to his lap.  
"I'll show you where your room is. I thought you might want to get sleep in a real bed." Castiel stood tall and straight and turned his back walking off toward a hall off to the right. He paused at the entrance and turned looking back at Dean who hadn't moved, waiting.   
'I'm going to have to go through the motions. All the steps he thinks would come first, or he'll reject his training on principle. I will have to prove myself worthy of his respect though. If he thinks there is no strength in me I doubt he'll open up at all.'   
When Dean caught up Castiel reached out lightning fast and gripped Deans chin forcing him to meet his eyes.   
"Aren't you going to say sorry for almost strangling me?" Castiel made sure his voice and eyes were hard with an anger he didn't really feel. Dean jerked his chin out of the tight grip.  
"Why should I? You woke me up." Dean went to brush past but Castiel was faster and pinned him to the wall hands on shoulders, body to body.   
"Because we are both stuck here together. I'm your only way to ever leave here. Why not play nice?" Castiel lifted one eyebrow in question while he stared at Deans impossibly green eyes.   
As they stood pressed against each other Dean caught between the wall and Castiel's hold on his shoulders, Dean could feel the heat coming off the smaller man. It felt real, tangible. This man was forcing him to feel, to think, even if it was mundane. Castiel was shorter than him, but he was solid. His smaller frame was lithe with muscle. His blue eyes were drilling into his own, demanding a response. Dean felt the flush of blood rush through his system. His eyes dropped to the pick lips so near his own. The desire to taste them shocked him.   
"Yeah. Sorry." He forced the words out.  
Castiel had seen Dean’s pupils go wide, seen his lips part. Acknowledged the apology with a nod and made himself take a step back. The attraction was there. That was good, now all he needed to do was go through the motions, and make Dean feel the bubbling sexual tension so he would be open to that form of rehabilitation.   
Castiel walked further up the dimly lit hallway passing two doors and opened the last door on the left.   
"This will be your room. There is a closet, dresser, side table, small desk. The bed is on the far side. The light switch is on your left." After Castiel flicked on the light he stepped off to the side so Dean could go in.   
"We'll start in the morning Dean." Castiel's voice, deepened by some emotion followed him into the room, making Dean’s stomach clench. The door clicked shut and Dean huffed out a breath.   
That bolt of desire surprised him. He had very rarely found a man attractive. He hadn't felt any kind of desire after. He desperately wanted his apathy back, that thick numbing nothingness. He turned off the light and lay fully clothed on the bed as the feelings and memories rushed back.   
The pain was crippling, tears started to flow freely, his breath caught in his throat.   
'God, I couldn't save him. I wasn't strong enough, I let her kill him. I always took care of Sammy. There's no point in me if there's no Sammy.' Every time Dean though Sam's name his sobbing shook his frame. The silent tears killing him little by little.

-*-*-  
Castiel sat outside Dean’s door and listened to the shuddering breaths torn from the man’s throat. He never cried out, never made a sound. It took hours, but the sound of the harsh breaths evened out until they were the breaths of sleep. Castiel stood up and went in to his room across the hall and sat on the bed. Dean was broken. Didn't have the will to scream his pain anymore.   
Forcing him to abandon the apathy he was using as a shield would be painful. He needed to heal though. Dean deserved it, even if he didn't think so. He remembered the therapist’s evaluations and sighed.   
He stood up and collected the files from the kitchen settling them in his closet. He changed in to pajama pants dropped his court shirt in the hamper. He slid between the sheets and let himself drift off.   
His dreams were filled with amazing green eyes and expanses of tanned skin. 

Castiel woke to the insistent beeping of his alarm. With a groan he sat up and turned it off.  
He felt a tingle of anticipation. Today, they started.


	3. Baby Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special thank you to SassySides for saving me from endlessly writing and rewriting this chapter. 
> 
> Also- I pillaged a sassy reply from Supernatural.

Note: A line was shamelessly stolen from Supernatural’s dialogue. 

Dean woke to the smell of bacon and coffee; it made the gritty feeling in his eyes almost bearable. Almost.   
He rolled out of bed and shuffled to the kitchen in search of caffeine. Castiel stood with his back to him flipping pancakes with ease, a pile of bacon on a paper towel next to him and a full pot of coffee sitting on the counter.   
"Good morning Dean. Are you hungry?" Castiel's voice was welcoming and a little gravely from sleep, well extra gravely.   
"Yes, but dude, coffee." Dean looked longingly at the pot that hadn’t been touched.   
"Help yourself the mugs are in the cabinet right above the coffee maker." Castiel chuckled softly. 

After the best damn breakfast Dean could remember he sat back with a sigh.   
"So, Dean, today we get started. How would you be most comfortable?" Castiel's voice disturbed his comfortable bacon haze.   
"What do you mean?" Dean’s eyes looked doubtful.  
"Well I explained last night; this is less like jail and more like intense therapy. So, would you be most comfortable? Sitting and talking to me maybe writing, or sometimes poetry helps."   
Dean looked at Castiel incredulously, his eyes going tight and hard.   
"Dude, I don't do chick flick moments. I'm not going to cry to you about my problems." Castiel stood slowly and walked around the table to stand at Dean’s side.  
"Fight it all you want, but this is why you are here. To talk. It's my job to listen and help. You don't have to like it; you don't have to like me. But you will need to talk to me. We'll start with something easy. Come with me." The low growl of command that slid through Castiel's voice settled in Dean, pulling out obedience in him. Making him stand and follow, with no real idea why.   
Castiel sat on the couch and pointed Dean to the chair across from him.   
"Get comfortable, and let me tell you a little about me." As Dean dropped in to the chair he watched Castiel get comfortable, pulling his legs up under himself and leaning on the arm of the couch. Dean was relieved that the subject had shifted from him.   
"My name as you know, Castiel Novak, here are some things you don't. I'm the youngest and most sought after rehabilitation specialist in the country. My father was a banker and my mother worked in social services. I have several siblings, Anna, Michael, Gabe, Zach, and Balthazar whom I call Beth, an old joke I'm afraid. I love cats, sunsets and thunderstorms." Castiel sat looking at Dean, waiting for a response.  
"That's a lot of siblings."   
"Yes, it is. Now your turn. Share something with me, even if it's just what you enjoy."   
"My name's Dean Winchester, I'm an Aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and frisky women." His response was snarky, but not really angry, Castiel needed to push harder.  
"Okay, not bad. What about the rest of your family?"  
"My father’s name was John, and my mother’s name was Mary. She made the best damn pie on the planet. She always smelled like roses, and her hands were always warm." His voice was tight, and his hands gripped the seat cushion.   
"She sounds lovely. It would have been a privilege to know her. What about your father, tell me about him."  
"He was a marine; he was a great mechanic, which is a skill he passed to me. I'm done caring and sharing now."   
Castiel had watched Dean as he slowly tightened up, closing himself off. His eyes were hard and his voice was frosty.   
"No, Dean. I want you to tell me about your father. I won't push on anything more recent, however you have to talk to me, and I want you to talk to me about this."   
"I said no." Dean leaned forward his eyebrows pulling in. He was getting angry.   
"And I said yes. Tell me more about what he taught you. What was he like?" Dean shot to his feet and flipped the small end table with one hand.  
"I said no God damn it!" Dean was standing tall and breathing hard. Castiel looked up at him.   
"Sit down, Mr. Winchester." Castiel's voice was tight, his hands relaxed in his lap. When Dean made no move to sit down Castiel stood slowly, taking one step forward placing himself in Dean’s personal space he looked up in to Dean’s eyes.   
"I said sit down. You will stop behaving like a child. If you do not wish to discuss a topic you will give me a reason, you will not throw my furniture. Now. Sit. Down." Castiel's voice dropped a half an octave and it sounded hard and commanding. Dean took a step back and let himself sink in to the chair, that voice trailing over his spine and pooling in the pit of his stomach.   
Castiel leaned forward and leaned on the arms of the chair, leaning towards Dean’s face.  
"Now, give me a reason. Tell me why you won’t talk about it, or tell me about him. You pick." That commanding tone was rooting Dean to the chair and it froze his tongue in his mouth. Castiel smelled like coffee and soap, and like the woods. Dean just nodded his head in a swift jerky movement. Castiel leaned a little further forward until his lips were a hairs breath away from Dean’s ear.  
"Good boy." He felt Dean shiver then he stood and sat back on the couch. Dean didn't know why being called good boy didn't piss him off, but he thought it had to do with Castiel's tone, it wasn't condescending, it was more like a touch, a steadying hand after something hard. He couldn't explain the heat pooling in his belly, and he didn't want to try.   
"I don't like talking about my dad. He wasn't the best dad, but he did what he could. He loved us. He just, he was a hard man to love. Can we be done now? Please?" The last word was said softly, on a plea.   
"For now yes. What kind of movies do you like, I have quite a collection if you would like." Castiel pointed to a cabinet near the TV it was filled top to bottom in movies. He got up to start looking through them and he heard Castiel shift and right the table he tossed.   
"Sorry about that by the way." Dean's voice was small.   
"Nothing broken, no harm done. Would you like something to drink?" Castiel was walking back toward the kitchen.  
"A soda if you have one, unless there is beer?"   
"Soda it is."   
Castiel smiled wryly as he sailed back in with two cans of soda and plopped himself back on the couch. Dean settled in on another cushion, now a little freaked out by the chair. Castiel picked up the remote and hit some buttons the lights dimmed and the movie started. The room was dark now, not pitch black but dark. Dean snuck a look at Castiel when he leaned forward to get his drink. Castiel took a drink and licked his lips setting the drink back on the side table. At the flick of that tongue Dean’s breath caught. He shifted in his seat and forced his eyes to the screen.   
Every time Castiel shifted Deans eyes jumped to him. It was driving dean crazy, why was he so hyper aware of this man. Why did his skin flush hot whenever he licked his lips or shifted his hips?   
Castiel let his eyes drift over to look at Dean; he wasn't surprised when Dean’s eyes met his. He could feel the man’s eyes on him. Castiel lifted one corner of his mouth in a half smile and cocked his head to one side just holding his gaze.   
Dean almost moaned, when Castiel's eyes met his. The man’s eyes where burning. He didn't know why this man had this effect on him, but God in heaven. Castiel gave him a half smile and just tilted his head to the side and Dean’s heart started in double time. He just sat there mesmerized by Castiel's eyes. Then Castiel took mercy on him and turned his cerulean blues back to the screen. When Dean forced his own eyes forward he became aware of the tightness in his jeans. He shifted uncomfortably. Apparently he had been without a woman for too long.   
As the movie came to a close Castiel stood and pressed more buttons. The lights coming back up and the TV turning off.   
"I'm going to start on dinner, it's already five."   
"Holy shit. Really?" Castiel chuckled and nodded.   
"Hey do you mind if I take a shower while you cook?"   
"Not at all, this is your home as well as mine for the time being." Castiel turned and walked towards the kitchen leaving Dean reeling.   
Dean turned towards the bathroom. 'His home too?'


	4. Tention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas works slowly, winding Dean up, then gets more than he bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all the people who read this, to the ones who leave Kudos and comments. You're why I do this.   
> Sorry the updates are irregular.   
> Let me know what you think?
> 
> And as always thank you to my wonderful Beta reader SassySides.

Dean let the hot water relax his muscles.   
_His home too, huh? That was different. Maybe it would be nice to have a place to call home, even if he was on house arrest. The only part of all this that bothered him was his reaction to Castiel. What a strange name, I should just call him Cas. The desire he felt was not right, he had only ever desired women. He must have been celibate for too long. That was all._  
Dean sighed and washed quickly. That would be the only problem. Not being able to lose himself in a woman. He hadn't felt the desire in so long. Not after Sam had died. He shut down. Being around Cas though, it made him focus. He couldn't just float anymore. The thought of Sam no matter how small still tightened his chest and made his eyes sting, but he couldn't shut down again no matter how hard he tried.   
He stepped out of the shower and dried off quickly he pulled his pants on and left off the shirt and boxers, he needed clean clothes. He tossed his shirt, boxers and socks into the hamper. Then headed toward the heavenly smell coming out of the kitchen.   
"Hey, Cas what should I do about clean clothes?"   
"Cas?" Castiel stood with his back to him slicing what looked like the most divine meatloaf in history.   
"If you don't mind."   
Castiel chuckled as he turned with a plate in his hand. "Not at all I've just never had a nickname....." He trailed off as he saw Dean’s bare chest.   
_Oh sweet Jesus._  
"So about those clothes?"  
"There is a small bag that got sent over from bobby in your closet, and we'll order you more after dinner. I baking pecan pie for desert, does that sound alright?"  
"That sounds awesome." Cas had to work at putting Dean’s plate down and turning away. He cut himself a slice of meatloaf and pulled the bowl of green beans to put on the table. He took a breath and closed his eyes for a moment. Teasing Dean and getting him worked up? Right like it wasn't going to kill him not to put his lips on his chest. He opened his eyes and turned around putting them down on the table.   
Dean put his first bite in his mouth and smiled. This was the best damn meatloaf he had had since Ellen made him some almost five years ago now.   
"Any good?" Cas was cutting his up slowly and hadn't tried it yet.  
"It's great." Dean didn't linger over conversation, just worked his way through his piece of meatloaf and a small helping of green beans.   
Dinner was mostly quiet, but then rolled around the pie. After it had cooled Cas cut them each a slice and passed Dean his. Dean’s first bite was followed by a moan that sounded pornographic. It shot down Cas' spine and pooled in his lower belly.   
"I'll take it that it tastes passable then." Cas chuckled as he sat down with his piece. Dean just moaned around his fork. While Dean inhaled his, Cas ate far slower. Dean was done watching Cas eat his slowly. When Cas saw Dean watching he made sure to get some of the pie stuck to his lip. His eyelids drooped and licked the sweetness off his lip. The pie was good, but watching Dean's pupils blow wide was better.   
When his slice was done he took both plates and set them in the sink and started putting away leftovers. Dean slid up beside him and started the dishes.   
"You know, if you keep feeding me like this, with no way to burn off steam I'm going to get fat." Cas smiled slightly.   
"Well you have a great metabolism, you should be okay. Also, there is an at home gym here." Their arms kept brushing working so close. It was killing Cas slowly.   
Dean was glad when the dishes were finished and he could sit on the couch with space between him and Cas. The simple touches, the brush of shoulders, the graze of fingers with a passed plate had gotten him worked up.   
_It shouldn't. I'm not gay god-damn-it! It doesn't matter if he has the bluest eyes on the planet. Or strong arms and shoulders. Or lips made for kissing that probably taste like pie right now. Or those long legs than would wrap around my waist without effort. Stop it. DAMN IT!_  
With Dean's internal monologue spinning him in circles he didn't notice Cas watching him out of the corner of his eyes. The TV was low, more background than anything else and Dean was completely unaware.   
Cas watched Dean as his eyebrows puckered slightly in the middle. Watched him shift uncomfortably as his erection pressed against his jeans. He looked worked up, sexually frustrated and conflicted. Damn.   
"Dean, are you okay?" Cas turned so he was facing Dean on the couch.  
"Of course. I'm fine." Dean looked over at Cas and just watched one eyebrow rise slowly in disbelief.   
"I know we haven't known each other for more than even a week, but I sincerely hope you don't expect me to believe that."   
"Damn it Cas I don't want to talk about it!"   
"Okay. That's all you had to say. I won’t pry, but I hope you know you can trust me, and I'll never judge you." Cas smiled softly at Dean and turned his eyes back to the TV.  
"I barely know you, I have to talk to you. That doesn't mean I can trust you." Dean sounded closed off.   
"Well, I'm here solely to help you. At the request of a man you do trust. Besides, what could I possibly gain from hurting you in anyway?" Cas' voice is soft and reasonable, and it pisses Dean off.   
"You know what just stop your Yoda crap okay." Dean turns to glare at Cas.  
"While I thank you for the comparison. No I won't stop. This is who I am, what I do. If you want to yell at me, it won’t change that. I'll wait and just make you tell me why I'm the target of your anger when I've done nothing to provoke it." Cas was so damn calm!  
"God damn it!" Dean bit the words outstanding. Cas just watched him calmly, his eyes calm and waiting.   
"Dean, you don't have to tell me what's wrong. Sit down, and take a breath. I just needed you to know I'll listen if you want." Cas just waited for Dean to decide, he sat still completely composed. Dean plopped back down on the couch and huffed out a breath.   
"Yeah, whatever." Dean’s eyes stayed fixed to the TV screen.   
_What the hell is wrong with me I just freaked out in this guy just because I'm acting like a horny teenager. A gay horny teenager and I'm not gay. Son of a bitch._  
Cas watched Dean out of the corner of his eye, he was slowly drawing in on himself. Cas needed to distract him before he started brooding too deeply. So he shifted stretching slightly undoing the top button of his shirt running his fingers underneath to loosen the collar. He settled back comfortably and smiled.   
"Do you like this show or would you like something else?"   
"Uh, this is fine." Dean had no idea what was even on. His eyes had been glued to Cas the moment he started to move. The way his body arched, the small piece of skin showing under his button down.  
 _God this man shouldn't exist, everything he does is pornographic._  
Dean shifted in his seat, his erection pushing against the denim of his jeans. Cas watched out of the corner of his eye. It was a damn good thing he thought, that he decided a sexual rehabilitation would be okay because he didn't know if he could keep his hands off Dean. Unless of course Dean told him to fuck off. He shifted slightly in his seat trying to shift so his lap wasn't in plain view.   
"Sorry I was such an ass." Dean’s voice came as a surprise, but a welcome one.   
"That's okay, you looked like you were working through something. I figured it wasn't personal." Cas crooked his mouth in a small smile.   
"It's just frustration I guess. Not so much the situation, or you, just....." Dean didn't know why he was still talking.   
"Just what?"  
"I just...... I guess I've been alone for too long. For a couple of reasons."   
"Okay. Well I'm here now, and you can feel free to call Bobby. I know he would be happy to hear from you." Dean closed his eyes briefly. The 'well I'm here now' comment got him, here he was talking about raging libido and this guys thinks he needs to talk.   
"Yeah. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow." Dean doesn't see Cas smirk when he turns back to the TV.   
_*-*_  
"It's getting late. Do you want to go to sleep?" Cas asked a little while later. His voice sounded a little rougher, like he was stressed out, it shouldn't be but it was sexy as hell.   
"Yeah. Been a long day, too much sharing and caring for my tastes." Cas couldn't sit next to Dean anymore, he was going steadily crazy, the clean smell coming off him, the bunch of muscle when he rolled his shoulders or shifted his hips. He just couldn't take it anymore.   
Cas stood up and clicked off the TV walking down the hall with the bedrooms, Dean a couple steps behind him. They were both in their doorways when Cas turned to look at Dean.   
"Dean?"  
"Yeah, Cas?" Dean looked over his shoulder.  
"You did well today. Good night." Dean was still standing in the doorway to his room when Cas' door closed. He forced himself to strip and climb into bed. He felt a slow heat spreading through his chest. He did well? That wasn't something he heard very often, and he liked it. He wondered if Cas would tell him he was good often or if it was just to let him know they had started off okay. It would be nice to hear. He shifted in bed and his still hard cock brushed the sheets, he hissed out a breath and slid his hands down his front. Just skimming over skin.  
 _This will help right. If I'm not so worked up. I won’t get turned on when he shifts in hiss damn seat. I wonder what his hips would feel like pressing on mine, his stubble under my ear, that damn voice in my ear._  
Dean’s breath caught and he wrapped his hand around himself thinking about Cas grinding against him. It didn't matter how many times he tried to drag his mind to one of the women in his spank bank his mind kept drifting back to Cas. He reached over to the bedside table and grabbed one of the tissues out of the box coming with a shudder and a moaned, Oh, Fuck! He dropped the tissue in the trash can and smiled to himself, Cas probably put the tissues there for the nights he cried himself to sleep; this was a better use if you asked Dean.   
On Cas’ way to the bathroom he heard Dean moan through his bedroom door and he went hot all over. He couldn't make his feet move.   
Then Dean moaned again, "Oh, Fuck!" and Cas made himself keep walking. He was so hard it hurt. He passed into the bathroom and turned on the shower hoping it would calm him down. As it turned out running soapy hands over himself didn't help a damn bit. When he climbed back into bed he was still rock hard, but he refused to get himself off. Dean was responsible for this, and Dean would bear the full effects in time. He smiled slightly as he drifted off to sleep.  
Oh yes, Dean would feel all the desire he built up in Cas. And they would both love every second.


	5. Failures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As time ticks by Cas realizes Dean won't confide without some more motivation.

When Dean woke up in the morning he found the stuff Bobby had sent over and grabbed a clean set of clothes. He walked quietly to the shower and cleaned up, occasionally thumping his head against the tiles.  
_I came while thinking about Cas. What the fuck is wrong with you Winchester? I'm not gay God damn it. I like women, soft shin and curves in all the right places. The fuck was I doing thinking about the feel of stubble and blue eyes that cut straight to a person's center?_  
He got out of the shower and slid the towel over himself quickly sliding into his clothes. He needed coffee. He should call Bobby and say thanks for sending the stuff, and for helping him land here rather than an eight by eight cell. He walked out into the living room plucking the phone off the side table and went in search of coffee while he called Bobby. He mixed his coffee while he had a quick chat with the older man while he leaned on the counter. He hung up and looked around. He rinsed his cup and put it in the sink.  
Where was Cas? He started wandering the apartment. He found the room that served as an in house gym. It had a bench press, some weights, a treadmill and one of those stationary bike things. He nodded, he would swing by here later today before bed. There were only four doors besides that one, both bedrooms and the bathroom and the last was locked. He knocked on Cas's bedroom door, there was no answer.  
_Where did the man go?_  
He walked around taking in the apartment for the first time. The floors were done in deep blue carpet, the bathroom and the kitchen were the exceptions with gray tile. The living room was roomy with a small reading chair tucked in the corner along the big window, a bookshelf dominating the corner across from it. The entry has a small shelf system set up for shoes and coats. It was a nice place, roomy.  
His stomach grumbled so he went digging through cabinets looking for breakfast. There wasn't a whole lot, he eyeballed a pack of saltines with distaste. He was reaching for them when the front door opened. He looked and Cas was walking in with bags of groceries in both hands and his phone pinched between his shoulder and ear. He was talking adamantly, he set the bags down on the island and walked into the living room and lowered his voice. Dean could still hear him clearly though, so he tried to keep himself busy so Cas wouldn't think he was eavesdropping by put away the groceries.  
"No, it does not make you a freak. You are a grown man, you've lived your life for everyone else, now it's time you lived for you. So what if you like another man? If that's what you want there is nothing wrong with that, it's between you and him not the rest of the world!" There was a pause while he listened. "Okay, you have no moral objections, so you have no moral objections. That is quite simply what you desire." He listened again. "You don't have to be gay to like men. There is a whole slew of sexual preferences. Being attracted to men and women is possible, it's called bi-sexuality." Another pause. "Okay, call me back when you've looked into it. Of course. Have a good day, stop beating yourself up." Cas hung up and sighed.  
"Sorry about that, we needed food and another client called." Dean just nodded.  
"Do they call often?"  
"No, I have weekly appointments, but if they are having a hard time I encourage them to call rather than let it bother them until the next appointment." Dean nodded.  
"That's nice of you."  
"Well, I care about them, I spend time with them every week helping them through their problems, I don't want them to suffer if I can help." Dean nodded again and snagged a chocolate dipped granola bar.  
"So you still have regular appointments to keep and you have to come home to another case. That must suck." Deans voice was dry and self deprecating.  
"That's not how I see it. I like what I do. I don't mind coming home to you, or going to keep my normal appointments. You are much more than clients to me. I'm making a bagel would you like one before we start?" Cas smiled and him and Dean just swallowed thickly. This man was going to kill him.  
"Sure, I guess." Dean went to sit in the living room and wait for today's mind scraping." Cas's voice replaying in his mind.  
_Not a freak...Live for you...If it's what you want...No moral objections...You don't have to be gay to like men..._  
Cas hands him his bagel and sits on the end of the couch.  
"Okay Dean. Let's talk more about your mother and father. What were they like?"  
*_*-*_*  
Cas sat at the island, drinking his coffee waiting for Dean to wake up. It had been a month and Dean was still only sharing superficial information. Nothing that truly mattered. Any time he slipped and said something with meaning, he closed up. He sighed, he was going to need to push harder. Get Dean to talk, open up and own up to the feelings that were eating away inside. It was hard to watch him hurt, even if he covered it well.  
On a more personal level Cas was ready for Dean to talk, and hand over control for a myriad of reasons. He wanted to see what Dean's smile looked like when it reached his eyes. He wanted to see Dean bow his head and let the weight on his shoulders slide away. He was more than ready to kiss him, drag him into his bed. He listened to Dean through the walls of their rooms when he couldn't control how loud he was moaning. Listening to Dean moan his name was torture, but he kept his promise to himself. He hadn't touched himself at all, he was waiting for Dean. He refused to get off to the thought of him until consent was given, until control was his.  
Cas sighed and took a big drink of his coffee. It was going to be an interesting day.  
Dean yawned and ran his hands over his face and hair, shuffling forward to the coffee pot.  
"Mornin'."  
"Good morning. Did you sleep well?"  
"Yeah, once I passed out. Took a while to get to sleep though." Dean had to fight not to blush, he had had a wonderful fantasy about Cas last night, he'd had to bite his pillow to smother the sounds he was making. He poured a cup of coffee thinking about how Cas had unintentionally helped him while helping someone else. Dean didn't feel gross anymore, for wanting Cas. That was just how Cas was, he helped everyone all the time. Dean wondered who helped Cas?  
"There are breakfast sandwiches on biscuits in the oven. They're sausage, egg and cheese." Cas said over his shoulder as he nursed his coffee.  
"Oh that sounds awesome." Dean opened the oven and used an oven mitt to take out the cookie sheet. Once it was on the stove top he grabbed one and dug in, not bothering to put the pan back. He knew he would want another one. Cas watched him all but inhale three breakfast sandwiches with a small smile.  
"They taste okay?" Cas joked as he tilted his head to one side slightly.  
"'Mer 'rea' Cas." Cas assumed this was supposed to be 'they're great' and smiled.  
"Good. I'll wait in the living room." Cas took his coffee and sat on the couch waiting for Dean. He wasn't going to push him to hurry this morning, it was going to be a very long day for both of them. Dean drank a second cup of coffee, then went to sit in his chair looking at Cas. He had gotten better at this whole sharing and caring thing. He talked about his past, but he kept it light if he got to close to the problems he could tell Cas and back off. There hadn't been too many table flips or quickly wiped tears so he was surprised by the look he got.  
"Dean, today, I'm going to ask you questions and I want you to answer them to the very best of your ability. No distractions or sidestepping, am I clear?" Cas looked over the edge of his mug, his left eyebrow up and his eyes hard.  
"Alright." It was a statement, but it sounded like a question when he said it. What was this about?  
"We've talked about your mother, your father, Bobby and Ellen and in all that time you haven't shared anything of importance. It's all superficial, this can't go on, which is why I'll ask specific questions. I can't help if you won't let me. Do you understand why I'm doing it this way?"  
"Yeah, I guess Cas...." Dean's voice trailed off as he looked at Cas with trepidation. Something told him he wasn't going to like this.  
"Good. Now your father, we have covered that he was a hard man to please after your mother passed. You never told me how. So what demands did he make of you when your mother passed away that changed your childhood, so dramatically?" Dean took a deep breath and clenched one fist in his lap. He didn't want to talk about this.  
"I don't want to say."  
"Tell me anyway. You gave your word." Cas let his voice get hard, he would tolerate no arguments. Dean closed his eyes and ran a hand over his face with a sigh, he might be an ass but he wasn't a liar.  
"When my mom was alive, she said it was okay to cry when you hurt, so I did. When she died, if I got hurt my dad was more of a suck it up sissy kind of man. He pushed hard until I could fight, track and shoot with the best marines. That kind of crap."  
"What else?" Cas looked at him expectantly.  
"Nothing else." Dean growled the words past his teeth. He didn't want to talk about this, the ball of hurt and rage and those other emotions he wouldn't name was tearing its way up his throat.  
"Do not lie to me Dean. What else?" Cas's voice snapped out low and angry.  
"I was the buffer alright?!"  
"The buffer?" Cas asked with a small tilt to his head.  
"My mom also told me big brothers are born first to teach their little brothers the ropes. Show them right from wrong. When she died rather than be a friend and guide for Sam, my dad demanded I look after him. It was my job to protect him from everything. From dad, when he needed to cry, from other kids, from himself." Dean choked on the last word. That ball of feelings popped and he tasted the failure on his tongue, heavy and bitter. It was suffocating.  
"Alright. Keep going."  
"There is nothing left Cas! Don't you get it? I failed them! I failed them all! I let my mom down! I couldn't save my dad, and I couldn't save Sam! I let them ALL down!" By the end of the rant he was on his feet breathing fast and choking back tears. His legs buckled under him and he fell with a thump back into the chair. He covered his face with a hand and his shoulders were shaking.  
"Dean. Look at me." Cas kept his voice soft. Dan looked up over his fingers glaring.  
"What now Cas?"  
"Your father was supposed to save you. His choices were made at a point in your life where he should have been thinking of you. It was not your job to save him."  
"But he was my dad Cas." Dean sounded tired.  
"I know, but the fact remains, you could not have stopped your father from drinking himself to death." Dean shrugged and slumped in his seat, it was nothing he hadn't been told already.  
"As far as letting everyone down? Well, that makes no sense. Tell me, when Sam started to self destruct, did you go to him? Try to talk him out of it? Try putting him in rehab? Try sending Ruby away? Stage an intervention?" After each of these things Dean nodded slowly.  
"After everything was done all that was left were Sam's choices. He made them himself, and they were not your fault."  
"I should have taught him better."  
"Dean, he knew what he was doing was wrong, that's why he tried to hide it in the first place."  
"All I've ever done is let people down Cas. Say what you want, but they put these things in my control and I let them all down. I fucked up. I failed them all. My life has never meant anything, it's not worth anything if I failed them. All I was good for, my whole point of existing, and I screwed it up. " Dean was angry again, trying to fight back the sobs that were trying to claw their way out of his throat.  
"They were never in your control Dean. They were other people’s choices."  
"Yeah, well it was my responsibility, they trusted it to me."  
"Dean." Cas just shook his head slowly back and forth. "If you feel like all your choices ended in failure, if you doubt your own control and judgment, I know of something that might help. It would let you decide to relinquish control. You would be the most powerful person involved, and not have to make choices." Dean looked at Cas like he had lost his mind.  
"How the fuck would that happen? I always have to make choices in life Cas, from what to wear to when to eat."  
"One more question before we take this any further Dean." Deans eyes went tight. "Do you trust me?"  
Dean looked at the man across from him. He just dragged up every bad memory and every painful feeling, but the caring in his eyes was proof he didn't do it to hurt Dean. Over the last month Cas had done nothing but help, he would never hurt anyone.  
"Yes."  
Cas smiled slowly and stood up so he was looking down over Dean one eyebrow lifted.  
"You asked how Dean? All you have to do is submit. Submit to me, let me make the decisions. Until you know how to trust yourself, until you know you have value, that you are not a failure." Cas's voice was low and enticing. Power behind each word, assurance that he was in control and right.  
"What?" Dean's eyes went wide as Cas's voice rolled down his spine. He wanted to say yes, he wanted to say he could go fuck himself.  
"Give over your control to me. You chose to relinquish your control and you have the power to stop me at any time with a single word. This makes you powerful. As well as in another's control, mine. You have the freedom to feel everything, and have to take responsibility only if I give you the option." Cas still looked and sounded commanding, but there was an undertone in his voice. He really wanted this, he really thought this would help.  
Dean thought about all the things he had seen online about submission.  
"Would this be sexual?"  
Cas crouched to look him in the eyes. "Only if you are okay with it being. If at any time I command something from you, and you can't take it or it goes beyond what you are willing to do you can stop me with what's called a safeword. You pick one word, any word, when you say it, everything stops. Are you okay with that?"  
Cas sat back on the couch and watched Dean think. An hour had passed before Dean looked up at him again.  
"Alright. I want my safe word to be cake."  
Cas looked at Dean surprised. "So you're okay with this?"  
"You think it will help, right?"  
"Yes, Dean, I do."  
"Then I'm okay with it. Something needs to change. Something in me, I feel broken." The last part was said so softly Cas almost didn't hear. He stood and held out a hand for Dean to take, when Dean put his hand in it he pulled him to his feet. He leaned in and spoke in Dean’s ear.  
"Don't worry Dean, I'll take you apart and put you back together again." His breath slid along Dean’s ear, hot, and he felt Dean shudder against him.  
_Finally_ Cas thought. He sealed his lips over Dean’s and let his lips wander learning the feel of Dean’s mouth before he flicked out his tongue and slid it along Dean's bottom lip. When he opened his mouth to Cas, he slid his tongue over exploring every place in Dean’s mouth, tasting him. Cas moaned low in his throat when Dean’s arms came around his shoulders.  
_Oh my God._ Dean couldn't get the words out, but he felt his body slowly melting under Cas's heat.


	6. Rules

Cas kissed Dean like he was the most important person to him. When they finally pried their lips apart Cas skimmed his lips over Dean's jaw, his neck, then back to kiss the spot behind his ear. He nipped his ear and Dean thought his legs would collapse under him. Cas kept him upright with a strong arm around his back, pressing between his shoulders, pulling him closer if that was possible. Dean moaned low in his throat when Cas slid his other hand into his back pocket and squeezed. 

"Dean, do you know how long I've wanted to kiss you? How badly I wanted to taste you?" Cas voice hot against his neck, rumbling low in his throat.   
_How can his voice keep getting hotter?_

Dean tucked his head in his neck, feeling the stubble catch on his own. He laid open mouthed kisses on his neck, tasting his skin. He felt Cas catch his breath and he slid his arms around him tugging up Cas' button up shirt, he wanted to feel his skin.   
"How long Cas?"

"Since the first time I heard you moan my name." Dean caught his breath, Cas heard him? Oh god, he hadn't been quiet enough. "I'm going to make you moan it again."   
Cas stepped back out of Dean's arms and his eyes looked like they were burning. 

"Dean, you are going to strip now." His voice had that low growl of command that spooled in Dean’s lower belly. Dean didn't know why being told what to do didn't piss him off, but it didn't. However much to his surprise it shot a thrill through his system. 

He started to strip, Cas' eyes never leaving him. Growing hungrier with every motion Dean made. When Dean stood bare, his clothes tossed somewhere in the direction of the kitchen. 

"Sit down, and spread your legs." Cas watched him as he obeyed shooting heat through Dean’s veins. Cas slowly removed his shirt unbuttoning it with a slow kind of precision, trailing his fingers lightly over the cloth between buttons. He dropped it on the floor behind him; Dean’s breath was punching out of his lungs. Cas was beautiful and lithe, his muscle not bulky but defined it made Dean's mouth go dry. 

Cas knelt down slowly fitting himself between Dean’s knees. He slid his hands up Dean’s thighs.   
"Keep your hands on the armrests and keep still. Do you understand Dean?" His voice darker, hungrier than before.  
"Yes. You want me still."

"Good boy." Cas leaned in and planted a wet opened mouth kiss on the inside of Dean’s leg, just higher than his knee. His mouth burned against Dean’s skin, sending bolts of sensation through him. Cas looked up through his lashes, keeping his lips on his skin when Dean moaned quietly. Dean watched him kiss his way up his leg, heat coiling in his lower belly. 

Then Cas bit him softly near the top of his thigh, making Dean's hip buck. Pre-come leaking slowly from him, he was so hard he hurt.   
"I thought I told you not to move?" As he spoke Cas moved away, so he wasn't touching Dean at all. His skin felt cold with the separation, but worse was the arch look on Cas' face, it was almost disappointed. 

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again. Please don't stop." Dean didn't care that he was practically close to begging. A small whimper pulled from his throat when Cas just tilted his head. Cas ran his eyes slowly over his body, lingering staring at his weeping cock.   
Cas leaned forward slowly dragging his fingertips slightly up his thighs. 

"If you move again, I will stop. Then you will sit here for the rest of the night just like this until I tell you to move." Dean nodded swiftly. Then Cas swallowed him down, until his nose was buried in the soft hair at the base. Dean snapped his eyes shut the image too much to handle. His head landed on the seat behind him a deep moan tearing out of his throat, loud enough to embarrass him normally, but right now he couldn't bring himself to care. The heat of his mouth was too much.

Cas started to bob his head, hollowing his cheeks and swallowing when he was far enough down. His fingers tightened and he started to moan around Dean. Dean was gasping for breath his heart pounding. It felt so good. He felt the tightening of the heat in his belly, he had to warn Cas.

"Cas, God, I'm, I'm gonna... Oh God!" When Dean started to lose control and speak Cas took him all with a low groan, staying with his nose pressed against Dean his throat working. He milked the last of Dean’s orgasm from him. He sat up and licked his lips with a satisfied smile in his eyes. He looked sinful, his lips swollen and wet his eyes burning. He was officially the hottest thing Dean had ever seen.   
They looked at each other for a few moments before Dean looked and saw Cas still had his pants on.   
"Cas! You..." Cas held up a hand silently cutting him off.

"I am perfectly content at the moment. I did exactly what I said I would do; I made you moan my name. This time it was more than a fantasy. That alone, mmm, it is very sexy." Cas stood and kissed Dean slowly. He held out his hand, until Dean took it and stood with him. 

"Follow me." Cas walked to the kitchen and poured a glass of water for them both. Cas pointed to one of the chairs at the island. After Dean sat he looked at him waiting for Cas to say whatever it was that was waiting to be said. 

"That was small, simple orders, you did very well. You were good. Now tell me, do you think you can do this from here on? Did you enjoy this, not just the sexual part but the lack of control? Think before you answer." Dean sat there, bare on a chair staring into his water. 

_Whenever he spoke to give a command it didn't bother me, it was arousing, but not uncomfortable. It didn't make me angry. I could take this power back from him at anytime; one word and he would stop. Not being in control felt good, he didn't want anything from me but obedience. It was liberating._

Dean looked up at Cas and studied him. He didn't look impatient or judgmental. He was just quietly waiting for Dean to decide if he would relinquish control from here on out.   
"If I decide to call a stop and this all ends up being too much, I can stop it permanently if I want?" Dean asks quietly. Cas has a small smile that looks almost proud when he answers. 

"Yes, if you safe word and call a stop YOU decide if it's to the scene or permanently, and there will never be a punishment. You will receive care after a hard scene or whenever you feel you need it. That might not mean anything to you right now but you'll figure it out as we go."   
Dean watched him for another minute. 

"Alright. What are my rules?" He saw the pleasure flash across Cas' face, it was carnal and hungry, but proud as well.   
Cas walked around the island and placed a kiss under Dean’s ear.   
"Good boy." Dean felt the shiver as his hot breath slid over his ear tickling his neck. 

"This list will expand and change as time goes on, it is subject to change at either of our desires. One, you will remain naked unless it is during our one hour session every day, that is when we will continue our talks and discuss this and how it's going, how comfortable you are and if there need to be changes. If you safe word, you may dress and go about things as they are now, or we will just stop and talk. It's up to you. I want you bare for many reasons, I want you to hide nothing from me. I also like looking at you." Cas ran a hand down Deans arm.   
"Two, we will both, at all times, be completely open and honest. This will not be safe if there is not communication. Three, you will obey without question or delay, if you have a question simply call my name quietly. If there is something you want to discuss that you aren't fully comfortable with, but you don't want to safe word, say yellow. Repeat them."  
"I need to be naked all the time, apart from one hour a day when we talk. We will both be honest and open at all times. I will obey at all times without question or delay. If I have a question I say just your name, if I'm uncomfortable I say yellow." Cas nodded against his shoulder still standing to his side as he ran a hand through Dean’s short hair.   
"Perfect. Now I need to know, what are your limits, what makes you uncomfortable versus what you will outright not do?" Dean thought for a minute while Cas stood silently next to him running a hand through Dean’s hair.

"I don't really know. I know that anything involving piss or shit is just not okay, it's just....no. But beyond that I can't think of anything off the top of my head. Is that okay?"  
"Yeah, that's fine. We can work out your kinks as we go. Now come with me and sit on the couch, we'll watch a movie." Dean stood and followed thinking that this was the most nervous, and also the most at peace he had felt in, god, at least a decade. Cas put in a movie and pulled Dean against his side tugging the blanket down off the back to cover Dean with. 

While the previews were playing Cas spoke quietly in his ear.  
"I'm proud of you, you gave every question I asked due consideration. You did so well today Dean." Dean slumped into Cas' side relaxing, pleased with the praise even if it pulled a faint blush to his cheeks. Cas was comfortable and it only took fifteen minutes before Dean was asleep against his side. 

Cas smiled down at him, pleased. Now they could make some real progress, Dean could heal and be happy. He could go about his life and walk through the front door with his head held high.   
Cas pointedly ignored the pang of disappointment and loneliness at the thought of Dean leaving. It didn't matter, this was about helping Dean. Not about Cas' rather lonely life.


	7. The Begining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is as good as this chapter is going to get. It's not my best but I wont make you wait any longer. Please don't hate me for where I ended it.....please.

Dean woke slightly as Cas carried him to a bed, impressed in a sleepy kind of way that the smaller man could lift him. The bed was soft and the pillows smelled like Cas. It was relaxing enough to put him back to sleep, he pointedly ignored the voice that asked why this man's smell relaxed him.   
Cas watched as he settled down into the pillows in his bed and fell back asleep with a small smile. He was beautiful, and complicated, just a little broken, but also one of the best people Cas had ever had the pleasure to meet. Most everyone had a greedy or mean streak, Dean was perpetually selfless and he was only ever mean or hurtful as a defense. He turned away and left the room quietly, he had things to do tonight.   
The in home gym helped burn off some of the lingering sexual tension. The first time had needed to be about Dean. Clinically so he would know that this was for him, but more than that, because Cas wanted to watch him come undone under his hands. He wanted to be the reason Dean was a shuddering mess. When he had looked at the status of his order and saw that it would be here tomorrow all that repressed desire from earlier had come back with a vengeance. So now he was in his gym working up a sweat, pushing his muscles as far as they would go. Some of the things he wanted to do with Dean would require him to be stronger than he was right at the moment.   
He rinsed quickly when he was done and slid in to bed next to Dean quietly. He didn't pay any attention to the possessive joy at seeing Dean there. It wasn't about that, so he ignored it... rather pointedly. He of course didn't smile in to his pillow as he drifted off smelling the muscular man next to him.   
Dean woke up looking around in confusion. This wasn't his.....oh. Cas. He looked at the other half of the rumpled bed, he shared a bed with Cas. He let Cas give him orders, give him a blow job and he did nothing in return. It was odd, Cas wanted nothing but obedience from him, not that he hadn't been aroused. He remembered seeing Cas' rigid erection pressing against his pants, remembered the desire to feel it's length in his mouth. That was a whole freak out in and of itself, he wanted to do what, and why? But he did, he wanted to taste Cas in his mouth. Fell his skin moving with him.   
Dean looked around the room and stood, he should get up. He hesitated at the door, walking out there naked in the bright morning light, with no arousal or endorphins to blame his lack of modesty on was odd to say the least. He thought about Cas' rules and straightened his spine, he had agreed to do as he was told. Stepping out into the hall with nothing but skin was exhilarating, ha was bare because he was told to be, he had no responsibility for what happened because of it. A quick trip to the bathroom later and he was ready to face Cas. A small smile played around his lips as he walked to the kitchen and felt the air caress his skin.   
Cas looked at the counter, two cups of coffee and a plate on the table and a line of things hidden by the cloth at the other end. He looked up as Dean came in to the room. There was a small smile playing on Dean's lips and he smiled in return. Dean had followed to rules, he was naked and unashamed, he stood tall with his hands at his sides. He looked buoyant almost.   
"Good afternoon Dean." Dean looked at the clock quickly, holy hell, it was after noon.  
"Good afternoon Cas. Why didn't you wake me?" Cas looked surprised then smiled slowly.   
"Dean, I let you sleep because I wanted to. Are you questioning that decision?" Dean's eyes widened slightly.   
"No, I just feel lazy sleeping that long." Dean looked down at the table confused with the disappointment he felt, it was the first day and he broke one of the rules.   
"I see. Come here Dean." Cas held out a hand and waited until Dean moved closer and took it. Cas tilted Dean's head back until they were looking at each other. Cas saw his upset and sighed.  
"Dean, I meant it when I said hide nothing. You are upset, so don't hide your eyes let me see it. As far you feeling lazy, don't it's not your job to decide when you start your day right now it's mine. You staying asleep until you weren't sleepy anymore is what I wanted okay?" Dean nodded slowly. Cas slid the chair out next to him pressing him back into it. Dean looked at the table for the first time, he saw the two cups of coffee and the one plate (just one?) then his eyes fell on the cloth with various shapes hidden underneath. What was that? He looked at Cas with questions in his eyes and watched the smile on Cas' face tern feral.   
"That is for after breakfast and our talk. Now take a bite." Cas held up a fork full of omelet. Dean looked at Cas, he was going to feed him from the same plate, or was he supposed to take the fork?  
"Cas?" He waited until he got a nod to ask his question. "Are you going to feed me?" He felt the small frown pull at his eyebrows.   
"Yes, now, open." Dean opened his mouth and watched as the fork moved slowly closer to his face. He pulled the bite of the fork gently and with surprise he felt contentment and a sliver of arousal settle in his stomach next to omelet.   
"You know, you call me Cas most of the time, so to avoid confusion I think when you have a question you will call 'Castiel' instead of Cas. Is that clear?"  
"Yes." Dean nodded as he watched Cas spear a bite for himself. He glanced down at his coffee, was he allowed to drink it on his own? He opened his mouth as the next bite arrived in front of his mouth.   
"You can help yourself to your coffee. I'm starting to feel jealous of the eyes you're making at it." Cas smiled as he blushed and reached for his cup. Why was he blushing... he never blushed!  
Dean sipped and surreptitiously watched Cas take a bite smoothly he looked comfortable in a button up shirt with the top two buttons undone and suit pants. He was still barefoot though which was inexplicably sexy.   
They ate in companionable silence until the omelet was gone.  
"Here slide these on and we'll go talk." Dean took the clothes he passed over to him and stood pulling on the gray sweat pants and baggy black shirt. As he pulled on the clothes he felt like he was pulling on normalcy. He felt his typical defenses sliding ion to place, Cas didn't need to see his smiles or worries. He could chose what to share he could question what this man said. It was refreshing and also terrifying, he loved the freedom he had this morning with Cas, but the scary part was why?  
He walked into the living room and settled on the chair wondering at himself. He felt the cloth of the arm chair under his hands and remembered the feel of Cas' mouth on him and closed his eyes. What was he even doing, this was his therapist for fucks sake. Okay so Cas wanted him enough to try and see if this worked, and he damn straight wanted Cas. But therapist. He sighed and opened his eyes, Cas was sitting across from him on the couch.   
"So Dean, how does this all feel to you?"  
"Well I feel like an errant teenager trying to boink the teacher. It feels wrong and taboo, but it also feels good."  
"Well, we are two consenting adults, so no need to feel like a teenager and make me feel like a pedophile. How does it feel good Dean, just the touches or other aspects as well?" Cas looked at him calmly just waiting, no pressure. Dean smiled to acknowledge the joke and thought for a moment before he answered.  
"I've been in charge of my life and....S- Sam's for almost my whole life so it's refreshing not being in control. I've messed everything up so much that not being in control of what I wear or eat is odd but liberating. No responsibilities." Cas watched Dean force Sam's name out and keep going, it made him proud. When Dean got here he couldn't even think of Sam without falling apart.   
"Good. Are you comfortable continuing this arrangement?" Cas just tilted his head and waited while Dean thought.  
 _I want this. I shouldn't but I do. It ought to make me feel powerless but it's exactly the opposite. It makes me feel powerful, free. It makes no sense but I want it._  
Dean looked up at the man he had come to trust, the man who opened his home and his arms to help him.   
"Yes I am. I would like that very much." He ran his fingers over the cloth under his fingers. It felt like a single experience had been saved in the fibers. With any luck there would be more.   
"Very good. Now would you like your surprise?" Cas stood and looked down at him with a smirk.  
"Yes, what is it?"   
"Stand and strip Dean, our hour is up. Then follow me." Dean stood and pulled off his clothes he dropped them in the chair. It felt like he was pulling off his defenses, showing Cas his insides and Cas looked happy.   
Cas led him to the kitchen and stood by the cloth waiting. Cas waved a hand at it when he caught up.  
"Go ahead, take a look." Dean flipped the cloth back slowly revealing one item at a time. A paddle, oh, a set of spreader bars, oh my. Then there was a set of padded leather cuffs and the last item made Dean tingle all over. It was a soft flogger with small beads on the end of each tassel. Dean felt his skin heating up.  
"You get to pick tonight because you have been such a good boy. You have one more choice though." Dean looked at Cas his question rising in his eyes. "Me."  
Dean's eyes were hungry as he roamed over him.   
"I choose you." Cas smiled slowly.  
"Go to the bed then, and we'll play. Lay down after you strip off the blankets. I'll be right in." Dean turned walking to the bedroom with quick steps. He was already semi-hard. When he got to Cas' room he pulled back the blankets and folded it quickly setting on the floor at the end of the bed then he slid in to the bed and lay flat on his back waiting.   
Cas came in and sat a glass of water, a tube of lube and a condom on the bedside table. He looked at Dean, let his eyes travel over him slowly. Then he started to roll his sleeves up with slow deliberate movements. Dean watched each patch of revealed skin with hungry eyes, he wanted to taste it. Cas sat on the edge of the bed near Dean's head and leaned in to kiss him. The dry closed lips were the only point of contact and it made Dean _want_.  
A small sound was ripped from Dean's throat when Cas pulled his mouth away. Cas stood and looked down at Dean with a smirk.  
"What do you want more?" Dean nodded quickly licking his lips, Cas' eyes followed the tongue that darted out to moisten his lips. "You want me to touch you?" Again Dean nodded. "Then show me where, show me how Dean."  
Dean's eyes went wide and he blushed his hands staying still at his side. He wanted him to touch himself as he stood there and watched?  
"What's the matter? I thought you wanted me to touch you? You have to show me where Dean, or I wont touch you at all." Cas lifted one eyebrow and looked down waiting for his order to be obeyed. Dean flinched, he didn't want Cas to leave without touching him.   
Dean slid his hands up over his skin lightly just letting the fingertips graze the skin. His eyes wanted to slip closed but he forced them to stay open, watching Cas' heavy lidded gaze trail after his fingers. His fingers ghosted over his nipples making his breath punch out of his chest, then back down his torso. He went back and forth before Cas' voice pulled him out of his hypnotic pleasure, on his way back up his chest he heard Cas' voice low and growling.  
"Scratch yourself. Drag your nails over the skin." Dean complied without thinking pulling his nails over his skin and whimpering at the change in feeling.   
"Is that the only place you want me to touch? You want me to get you off just touching your chest?" Dean's eyes went wide Cas sounded serious, he really would only touch him there and try to get him off with it. He shook his head and let his hands travel down his legs, pulling them up so they were bent and open. His cock was hard and lying neglected as he slid his hands over his thighs and rubbed lightly over the insides. He cupped his balls with one hand and rolled them gently in one palm and used his other hand to cup his erection tightly. He moaned at the friction, finally. He heard Cas hum low in his throat.  
"Don't stop." Cas voice was raw, choked out. The sound shot liquid heat into Dean's veins. He stroked himself smoothly, a slow pace, keeping his other hand sliding over skin, pinching his nipples. He felt his hips buck, his orgasm curling low in his belly. Cas' eyes on him was like a touch bringing him closer, faster than he felt in too long. The muscles in his back started to tighten, bowing him up off the bed when Cas' voice snapped out.   
"Stop. You will not come right now." The order surprised him, he stopped with a whine dropping back on the bed looking at Cas with pleading lust blown eyes. He watched as Cas sat on the edge of the bed slowly sliding until he was on his knees near Dean. He reached out and started where Dean had. Fingers on his chest teasing slowly, scratching and tweaking nipples. Dean was panting on the bed his eyes closed and his head pressed back on to the pillows. Only the rough sound of Cas telling him not to come was holding him back, he didn't want to disappoint him, he wanted to be good.   
When Cas followed the map Dean had made over his skin and touched his dripping cock Dean keened. His hips stuttering up searching for friction. Cas leaned in to whisper in his ear.  
"Dean, do you want to come, or did you forget somewhere you wanted to be touched?" Cas slid one finger over his hole feather light. Dean's breath caught in the back of his throat. "Do you want it Dean? Do you want to feel it, to come on my cock?" Cas slid his finger over his hole again. The sound that came out of Dean was needy he never even tried fingering himself, but he wanted Cas inside him.   
"Please give it to me."   
"Tell me how bad you want it." Dean looked away, could he say that out loud? "Dean..." Cas' voice held a warning.  
"Please Cas I need you to fuck me." Dean was surprised by how true this was.


	8. Thoughts go around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for waiting. I think I've found a way to update even if it's irregular. Real life is currently kicking my ass.

Cas looked down at the man spread out for him. He wanted to try and that was wonderful.  
"You _will_ tell me if you want to stop." Dean nodded his eyes locked on Cas, wide and hungry. Cas resumed sliding his fingers over Dean tracing the pattern he mapped out. Dean was panting and keening and it had him burning.   
When Cas started to stroke his cock he started to moan in a long unintelligible stream.   
"FuckfuckCaspleaseGod!" When he started to twitch with the beginnings of his orgasm Cas pulled his hands away and leaned up swallowing his protests in a kiss.   
"You will wait to come. You will come when I am inside you." The words were said on a breath against Dean's ear when the kiss stopped. Cas let his fingers resume following the path laid out for them. Dean's breath was coming in short gasps. Tears gathering at the corners of his eyes, every sensation felt like it was blazing on his skin.   
"I need more, I need you!" Dean's plea was moaned into the pillow and it stilled Cas's hands. That had no business being that hot. Then again there was nothing about watching this man fall apart under his hands that _wasn't_ hot as hell. Dean was trembling with the force it took to hold back his orgasm. Cas pulled his hands away and settled them in his lap.   
"Did you just tell me what to do?" Cas voice was a low growl, he was careful to keep the lust out of it. Dean had to be sure of his control.   
"Please. I didn't mean to. Please I need you." Dean was begging and he kind of hated himself for it, but the idea of Cas not putting his hands back on him was too much to think about. He wanted those fingers back on his skin, he _needed_ it.   
Cas settled his fingers under his chin and forced him to meet his eyes.   
"It will not happen again. You will get exactly what I give you, at the pace I give it to you." Dean nodded his head eagerly.   
"Yes, sir." Fire brushed down Cas's spine. He let his fingers trail back over Dean's skin slowly running his hands up his thighs. He used one hand to grab the lube and pop open the top. He poured a generous amount on his fingers and started rolling his pointer finger over Dean's rim. He pushed with a slight pressure until his finger slid in.   
"Are you okay Dean?" Deans eyes were squeezed closed and he was panting.   
"Yeah, it doesn't hurt, it's just weird. It's okay now." The pressure was like nothing he had ever felt. It burned in a good way, sending waves of heat and ice over his skin when Cas started to move his finger slowly. As he relaxed he added another finger stretching him open. Scissoring his fingers open, then slowly adding a third. Dean was coming apart at the seems. His head was thrashing back and forth over the pillow, his thighs trembling. Lava was pooling in his groin he was going to have to tell Cas, if he didn't stop he was going to come. That's when Cas bent his fingers and brushed his prostate. His legs locked and a groan fell from his lips. His hand shot out to grip the base of his cock and squeeze forcing his orgasm back.   
Cas raised his eyebrows, he stopped himself.   
"Good boy." Dean opened his eyes to look at Cas. His eyes were filled with lust and praise, his voice was wrecked.It made Dean glow. Dean whined low in his throat as Cas pulled his fingers out slowly. He felt his muscle flutter around the empty feeling. His eyes followed Cas as he stood and slid his clothes out of the way, folding the neatly on the foot of the bed. He rolled on the condom with careful movements. Dean wanted to reach up and feel that skin, taste it. As Cas slid up on the bed and settled between Dean's thighs he hesitated.   
"Are you sure Dean?" He nodded and pulled his knees further up the bed, he was panting to hard to answer. Cas looked down at Dean and it looked like he was a starving man set before a feast. He started to push forward into Dean's heat and it was like his own personal heaven. He gave Dean a minute to adjust and then slid slowly in and out. Dean's hands reached out as if to hold him but he hesitated, seeking permission. Cas nodded and then his hands landed on his chest with a sigh. The feather light touches were like ambrosia. He felt Dean tensing under him, whimpers and moans falling out of his mouth without a single thought. His hands gripped Cas's shoulders tightly and he leaned down and whispered into Dean's ear.  
"Come for me. Come for me now." The low dominating growl, breathless though it was, was all it took to push Dean over the edge. He came screaming Cas's name. Cas sped up pumping into Dean faster chasing his own release.   
"So good for me Dean, such a good boy. So tight and hot." Cas was still growling in Dean's ear and when he moaned deep in his throat and Dean felt him pulsing against his prostate into the condom he came a second time dry and a little painfully. Cas pulled out slowly and pulled off the condom and tossed it into the wastebasket near the bed.  
They settled down catching their breath Dean's head on Cas's shoulder and Cas finger trailing through Dean's hair. Cas was murmuring in his ear as he drifted off.   
"You're such a good boy for me Dean. You did so good. You felt so perfect, wrapped around me just right."   
It felt good to be good, to have done something right.   
\---  
Cas was relaxed looking over at the beautiful man next to him. He meant every word he had said. He was getting too wrapped up in this beautiful broken man, but he didn't know if he could stop it now. He thought he knew what he was getting into when he planned this out. Seduce Dean, be bossy in bed, show him how he isn't a total fuck up. Now though he's seeing the pain and it hurts him to see it. He knew remaining professional was going to be hard but he never thought keeping his own feelings out of it would be so hard. He couldn't afford to fall in love with this man, he was going to have to set him free.   
\---  
Dean woke not much later and found Cas breathing deeply asleep, or so he seemed. He smiled softly. It felt good waking up next to this vivid, intense, beautiful man. He didn't deserve this happiness, ha had failed at everything he had ever done.   
_Not quite, he said you were good, that you did perfectly..._  
He shouldn't feel this bloom of warmth in his chest. This was a therapist, it was his job to make him feel good.   
_If it was just that he wouldn't have needed the sexual aspect. He wanted you too, he wanted **you** to submit and please him. He could have done that with out touching you. he cares for you too. Even if it's just a little.....I shouldn't care for him at all. I'll have to leave. It doesn't matter if his hands make me feel more complete than I've felt in so long.... _   
"Dean, I smell smoke, stop thinking so hard. That's my job right now, you have no responsibilities at the moment, so relax." Cas's voice was husky, like he had been half asleep.   
"Sorry." Dean mumbled into his shoulder.   
"No need to be sorry. Why don't we take a shower and scrounge up some dinner?"  
"That sounds like a plan." Now that it had been brought up Dean felt the dried spunk on his skin and the hollow feeling of an empty stomach. As he stood he felt pain, which he was guessing had to do with the wonderful activities of earlier. Cas saw him wince and brought up a hand to run soothingly over his lower back. The hot water of the shower was wonderful they helped each other get clean and shared a few slow kisses after Cas caught Dean staring at his lips. Dinner was simple, sandwiches and a salad.   
Dean caught himself watching Cas. How was he supposed to feel about the fact that he was sleeping with Cas. Then he looked up and saw Dean's regard and smiled. An honest smile, the kind that lights up your eyes and forms lines around them.   
Wonderful, he should feel wonderful, and happy and lucky and humbled that he get's to share this man's bed. He's not worthy of those smiles and touches, not worth the air it takes to tell him so.   
The helpful voice from earlier, the one that said he was good, Cas said so, the one that said he might care was gone, lost in the light of full awareness. Cas saw the shadows forming in Dean's eyes, saw the doubt. He placed a chairs pillow at his feet and pulled Dean's plate away.   
"Kneel here Dean. I want to feed you." Dean slid down, not a second thought. He needed this, this thoughtless obedience. Something to pull him away from the direction of his thoughts. He ate as Cas pulled pieces of sandwich off and put them to his lips. When Dean's dinner was finished Cas slid one hand over and through his hair as he ate with the other hand, essentially petting him. It was soothing, relaxing, but most of all it felt affectionate. Dean felt his eyes slip closed and his head slid against Cas knee.   
"Good boy." Cas voice was soft but it made Dean happy. This was good, he did good to show Cas that he liked this. Cas watched as Dean started to drift off. With a small smile he spoke quietly to wake him up then helped him to his feet. They walked sown the hall and Cas opened Deans door pulling a small half asleep whimper from him.  
"Wa't you ta sta'." Dean's words were thick with sleep but Cas got it.   
"I'll stay in here with you, I just have to wash my sheets." Dean smiled as he felt Cas steer him to bad and curl up with him.


	9. For everyone who is still waiting

I wanted you all to know that I have not abandoned this fic! I've just been working 15 hour days and it makes working on my story difficult but I am still working on it and I'll have a chapter for you soon! I swear! Thank you for waiting and thank you even more for all the kudos and comments! I love you all!


	10. The morning after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes the morning after doesn't have to be smelly clothes and shame...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for being patient with me!!   
> Writers block long hours and lack of interwebs were conspiring against me.  
> However! With no more ado, for those of you who stuck with me, CHAPTER 9!!

Dean opened his eyes slowly, he felt relaxed and happy. He hadn't felt like this in a very long time, he was afraid honest awareness would mess it up.   
"Good morning Dean." Cas sat on the edge of the bed and smiled at him. He held coffee out for him and his pjs were slung low on his hips. This was an alright way to get up even if he wasn't ready to move.   
"Morning Cas." Cas let his eyes trail all over him, taking in all the things that made him up. The endless freckles, the bowed legs, the half closed eyes.   
"I made some coffee. How are you feeling this morning Dean?"   
"I'm great. Not sore or anything." Dean sat up and ran one hand over his face while he grabbed the coffee.   
"No regrets or unsureness?" Dean felt the blush rush up his face and he shook his head. He wasn't going to tell Cas that this was the best he had felt in what felt like forever, wasn't going to ask how he could regret the best orgasm of his life. This man was beautiful and caring, as close to perfect as a man could be. Why would he want me? It whispered in the back of his mind. He shrugged it off, not today, today would feel good.   
"Good. There's breakfast in the kitchen if you want some. I'll meet you in there once you've had a minute. Unless you want breakfast in bed?" Dean looked up wide eyed. That sounded so lazy, and, well, kind of great. Like the meals Sammy and he used to make in some of his earliest memories.   
"Well I can help you make it then we can come back to bed and eat it?" It came out as a hopeful question and it made Cas's eyes scrunch up in the corners.   
"Of course, that sounds lovely." Cas stood and held out his hand helping Dean up.   
"I'll meet you in the kitchen in the minute." Dean smiled and walked to the bathroom quickly. He wasn't sure why this morning felt so good, or how this strange blue eyed jail keeper made him smile. He wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth though, no over thinking for this dude. Not today. Cause you know if he did that he would think about the fact that he didn't deserve to feel this happy. Didn't deserve his touch or his smile. Dean sighed as he splashed water on his face. He had been hiding in the bathroom for a few minutes now, Cas was going to wonder where the hell he went. He stood up and walked in to the kitchen.   
Cas stood leaning against the counter with his coffee waiting.   
"So what are we having for breakfast? Waffles, pancakes, cereal, eggs and bacon? Your wish is my desire." He knew it was corny so he beamed and winked.   
"You are so cheesy. Steak and eggs?" It took everything Dean has not to beam back at the giant nerd in front of him. That had to be the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard anyone say out loud; also the sweetest.   
"Sure, homefries too?" Dean nodded enthusiastically. They moved around each other smoothly, breakfast done in record time. They each stood with a plate and utensils in one hand and coffee mug in the other looking at the bed.   
"Well breakfast in bed is out." Dean said a little sadly.   
"Why?" Cas looked at him his head tilted to one side.   
"We'll ruin your stuff, this doesn't really look like an in bed kind of meal."  
"I don't care about the bedding. This will be fun. We'll just cut the steak before we climb on, that way WE get to eat the breakfast and the blankets don't get it all." Cas plunked him plate on the desk and started sawing his steak up, when he was done his he held out his hand for the other plate.   
"Dude, I can cut my own food." Dean grumbled the words and kept hold of his plate. Cas looked up sharply.   
"I'm sorry? Did you miss understand Dean? I want you to hand me your plate, so now if you please." Cas wiggled his hand waiting for the plate,  
"I know how to cut-"  
"I did not ask if you knew how. I said I wanted your plate, this is something I want to do for you. Will you misbehave over something this trivial when all I'm asking is to do something for you?" Cas did not raise his voice, did not sound really all that angry. He sounded calm and almost bored it sent a small shiver down Deans spine.   
"Sorry, it just feels weird letting someone do thins for me." Dean passed his plate over, it was going to be a good day, he didn't want Cas mad at him, didn't want to be bad. Cas smiled gently.   
"I know, but remember, I'll want to do a great many things for you. Many of which will feel odd. You are mine now, let me lead you as long as you follow, I can do things for you that you wouldn't dream of asking someone else with no guilt, no embarrassment." He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Deans forehead.   
Cas made quick work of the steak on Deans plate while Dean stood behind him. Dean felt odd, fidgety, like he should be in trouble but he desperately didn't want to be. When Cas turned to hand him his plate his eyebrows pulled together and he cocked his head to one side.  
"What's wrong Dean?"  
"I'm....I don't know. Can we talk about it later so I can figure it out first?" Dean sounded unsure and off balance so Cas nodded and smiled.  
"Of course, so long as you do tell me. Climb in bed, we don't want breakfast getting cold. I'll put in a movie, any prefrances?"  
“Maybe Dr. Sexy?” Dean's voice was quiet and it sounded as though he was embarrassed.   
“The tv show?” Cas asked looking mildly surprised at Dean's nod he flipped through the stations until he found a rerun. He settled next to Dean with his plate making sure his leg was pressed to Dean’s.   
They made their way through breakfast quickly Cas placing the empty plates on the desk and sliding an arm behind the man next to him pulling him close. Dean looked away from the show and at Cas’ profile. He had a light dusting of stubble and small wrinkles around his eyes like he was going to smile. Why did Cas want him? He was broken and sarcastic, yet here was Cas holding him tight and looking content. This man was beautiful, to hell with the nagging voices in his head saying that he’s a man and this was wrong. This beautiful man made it a little easier to breathe.   
“Dean, you’re staring. Will you tell me why?”  
“You’re beautiful, and I’m confused.” His answer popped out without any kind of verbal filter and he felt his whole face heat up. Cas looked over and smiled.   
“Well Dean, you are beautiful yourself. Why are you confused?” Dean just shook his head and buried his red face in Cas’ shoulder like he was settling back down to watch the show. Cas just chuckled and slid a hand into Dean’s hair. He had a good idea why Dean was confused, he was going to make this man see how wonderful he was, he had to. They stayed in bed until noon, laughing and cuddling, neither really trying to find the strength to get up and move. When Dean’s stomach announced that it was time for lunch they pulled themselves up and after they both made a quick trip to the bathroom they made a couple of sandwiches. Eating quickly they dressed and met back in the living room.   
“Okay Dean, I’m going to ask that awful question again. How do you feel.”  
“I’m good. It’s been a good day. I’ve been able to breathe, really breathe.”  
“That’s good. What was wrong this morning?”  
“I felt like I should be in trouble because I did something I shouldn’t have. I questioned you and I hesitated, but I really didn’t want to be in trouble.”  
“So do you still feel like you should have been in trouble?”  
“Yes and no.” Dean shrugged, if Cas wasn’t mad he obviously wasn’t in trouble, he broke the rules though so shouldn’t he be?  
“Okay, well I’ll tell you why you weren’t then you tell me if you still think you should have been okay?” At Dean's nod he continued. “I didn’t get angry with you because you’ve taken care of yourself and Sam for so long that letting someone else do something for you, even something as menial as cutting meat must feel alien. That’s a hard habit to break, and that’s what it was- habit. As soon as I pointed out that you hesitated and your questioned you didn’t argue.”   
He let Dean think that over. Cas was silently hoping Dean would be able to forgive himself this, it was small and insignificant, but if he could let the blame slide away for something even this small it was a step in the right direction. If he couldn’t Cas would come up with a punishment, but it would be a gentle one, one that said he was being punished only because he felt guilty about breaking a rule. Principal and nothing else.   
“I think I understand. I did break a rule, but it was habit and not defiance. I didn’t mean to, and you knew that. Right?”  
“Right.”   
“If it happens again though you’ll punish me though right? It doesn’t seem right getting away with it more than once. That was my warning now that I know about the habit I should be TRYING to break it. Sound right?”  
So Dean could forgive himself this, but he wouldn’t be willing to a second time. It was still progress, even if it was small.  
“Right, feel better?” Dean nodded. “Okay, now, talk to me about the very first time you felt guilt.” 

Their hour went quickly, Dean answered his questions adding detail he would have omitted before. His speech came in bursts and lulls, when he got to something hard to talk about or admit to but he did it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been forever, and I've read and re-read to the best of my ability. While this is not beta read, it does come with another chapter immediately following!

When their session ended Dean felt tired. He had dragged up and endless fountain of answers to Cas' questions, most from that dusty corner of his mind he had labeled 'do not touch' years ago. His head was dropped against the back of the chair his eyes looking vacantly at the ceiling. As awful as he felt right now, he had made Cas happy, he saw the way his eyes crinkled at the corners while he was talking. If felt good making Cas happy, he did something worthwhile, something good.   
"Dean, are you alright?" Cas' head appeared upside down over his face.   
"Yeah, just spacing." A smile lit Cas' eyes and then he leaned down and kissed Dean's lips softly.   
"The perfect chance to administer spider-man kisses." He words were whispered against Dean's lips as he pulled away.  
"You are a giant nerd." Dean scoffed but it made his heart so light it ached. Cas just smiled and stood straight, why don't you take a bath and in the meantime I'm going to get something you might like." Dean just lifted an eyebrow and stood.  
"You saying I stink?" Dean had humor in his eyes and it was a beautiful thing. Dean sighed as he heaved himself up from the chair. Cas smiled as he watched Dean's bare ass walk towards the bathroom. Dean hadn't seemed to notice the nudity, which was perfect- it said he was comfortable. Cas fished out some thin sweats, yoga pants if he was honest- for himself and Dean. He slid his on putting Deans in his chair then fished out and old Star Wars Trivia board game.   
Dean scrubbed quickly, wondering what Cas had planned. Letting his choices go was startlingly easy. He couldn't fuck up if he didn't decide. It was a relief, even if he was sure he'd find a way to mess it up. His skin was a light red when he slid out of the shower, he dried quickly. Wandering into the cool house after a hot shower while naked was a little chilly, but bearable. When he made it back to the living room there was as slice of apple pie and whipped cream next to a board game. Looking closer Dean sees Trivial Pursuit Star Wars Edition open on the table. He can't stop a grin, this was a beautiful thing.   
"Enjoy your shower?" Cas was stepping out of the kitchen with a slice of pie for himself. Dean just nodded.   
"Good. I was thinking you might like this, you do like Starwars right?"   
"Who doesn't?" Dean settled on the floor in front of the table grabbing a bite of pie.   
"Why don't we make this more fun?" Cas asked settling himself.   
"Why not? What do you wanna add?"   
"How about every question you get wrong you have to say something nice about yourself, and for every question I get wrong...."  
"You have to answer one question." Dean didn't know how many nice things he could say about himself, but there weren't a lot of questions he wouldn't be able to answer so it should be okay.  
"Sounds good." Cas didn't know how safe this was, he was already in too deep but it sounded fun, and Dean coming up with affirmations himself would be good for him.   
***  
A few rounds in and Dean was out of nice things to say. Good looking, physically strong, perky nipples.   
Cas had told Dean about his siblings, Gabe, Michael, Lucy, and Anna. He talked about being pushed around in high school and learning to overcome the fear of being wrong.   
Dean looked at the question on his card and floundered. He didn't know the answer but he couldn't think of anything nice to say.   
"Cas...."  
"Yes, Dean?"  
"I don't know what to say..." Cas looked so sad that Dean looked at the floor quickly. He couldn't even play a game right, fuck!   
"Dean there's plenty more good things to say."  
"How can there be I even fuck up a board game!" Dean's voice was low and bitter.  
"No, you haven't. Look at me Dean." Dean kept his eyes on the floor, he couldn't take that look on Cas' face. "I said look at me." Dean just closed his eyes. He heard a rustle as Cas stood. Cas closed his hand over Dean's arm and pulled him upright, he spun Dean to face him and forced his head up to eye level. "Open your eyes and look at me. Now, Dean!" His voice was low and angry. Dean snapped his eyes open.   
"You did not ruin the game. You did however disobey."  
"But you looked so upset."  
"It made me upset that those are the only good things you see in yourself, I see so much more! Do you understand Dean?" Dean nodded. "The only thing you did wrong was disobey. You told me to punish you from now on and I will. If it's too much, you safe word. Tell me your safe word Dean."  
"Cake, Sir." His voice came out quiet and unsure- pathetic. Cas maneuvered them both until Dean found himself bent over Cas' lap.  
"Deep breath," Cas said, Dean inhaled and let it out slowly. "Again, keep going." As he took slow deep breaths his heart was pounding. Cas was running one hand over and around his ass, the other settled between his shoulders. Dean's heart slowed down and he started to relax, maybe it wouldn't be that bad. Cas didn't really want to hurt him. The first swat made him catch his breath, damn that stung.   
"One, count Dean."   
"One!" He made it sound like a curse. Cas was back to stroking the skin, keeping the tingle. Two and three came fast and on the same spot. Fuck, he was strong. He was breathless as he counted his strikes. Four, five-six. His ass was burning, his breath and words catching in his throat. Seven, eight, nine-ten-eleven. He was shamefully hard. Twelve, he moaned the number, his skin was burning, his eyes were leaking- he was not crying- and he was hard. Why?   
Cas ran his hand softly over the skin.   
He helped Dean turn and settle his bright pink rear in his lap. Cas ran his fingers over Dean's erection pink and full. Cas settled his mouth next to Dean's ear and whispered while he wrapped his hand around Dean and started to stroke.   
"You're beautiful, and smart. You're brave, you have a wonderful sense of humor." Cas raised his other hand to Dean's chest and started rubbing his nipples. "You do in fact have perky nipples." Dean was gasping, the string of words made him want to shy away but Cas' hands felt like a brand where they touched him. It felt too good to pull away.   
"You never shy away from hard work, you're not blind to the darker parts of the world but you still try. You took care of other people while you were still a child." Every word from Cas was stripping him bare inside, leaving him raw and bleeding. He was moaning shamelessly as heat pooled in his groin. The hot air flowing over his ear, the way Cas let his lips catch his skin, the fingers stroking his chest tugging his nipples, Cas' hand stroking faster, his thumb spreading his pre-come; his wrist twisting on the up stroke, his voice low and growling in one ear it was too much. Dean came with a shuddering shout, curling in on himself. He felt himself move and he opened his eyes just a little. Cas settled him on his side on the couch, licking Dean's come off his fingers. He stuffed a pillow under Dean's head and pulled a blanket over him.   
"Are you okay?" Cas met Dean's eyes smiling a little. With Dean's nod, he stood. "I'll be right back okay?" Dean nodded again and closed his eyes, he must have drifted off because when he came to Cas was rubbing something on the skin of his ass.   
"I have some paperwork to do, do you want to stay here or come with me?" Dean looked at the pillow under his head. He didn't want to be alone, he wanted to go with Cas, but he didn't relish the idea of sitting on anything...  
"Here." Dean spoke quietly.   
"If you're sure?" At Dean's nod Cas kissed him on the forehead gently and stood. "If you need anything at all, or even if you just change your mind, call and I'll come back out." Cas ran his hand through Dean's hair walked to his office. 

Dean watched his back move slowly away and started to panic. Why did he allow that, why did he like it? Why didn't Cas stay? His mind was racing in circles, circles around the words fucked-up and alone. Faster and faster his eyes clouded over, his chest got tight. God, he was crying?! He was pathetic if Cas heard he would have to stop working and come out to tend to him, pathetic! He muffled his quickly forming sobs in a pillow, Cas would be so mad if he interrupted his work. He pulled his knees up and curled his body around the pillow. Alone, Pathetic, Fucked-Up, Alone, Pathetic, Alone, Alone, Alone.   
***  
Cas sat and started to type quickly, what an awful time for the judge to demand an update! Dean seemed alright when he came in, it should only take thirty minutes or so to do. He was halfway through when he heard what sounded like a choked sob. He stood so fast his chair tipped backward and he ran. He rounded the corner and saw Dean curled on the couch crying.   
"Dean! What's wrong?" He hit his knees in front of Dean and pulled the pillow away.  
"I'm Sorry! I Tried to be quiet!" His voice broke and his chest was heaving. Cas stood and settled himself on the couch pulling Dean into his lap.   
"No. Dean you don't need to be sorry. I told you to call me! What's wrong?" Dean clung to Cas' chest trying to calm his breath.  
"I was just all alone I'm pathetic and I'm a fuck up and I just couldn't stop and you walked away!" His words came out in a rush between heaving breaths.  
"No Dean. I wanted to be out here with you, You are not pathetic. I'm sorry I left the room so soon." Cas made his voice quiet and held Dean close while he calmed down.   
Once Dean had his breath back and he was calm again he was ashamed... what the hell was that. He didn't want to look Cas in the face so he just buried his head in Cas' shoulder.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another un-betaed chapter.... so forgive any mistakes, pretty please?

Dean's breath had calmed and his tears had stopped, but his head was still buried in Cas' shoulder.   
"Dean, I'm sorry. This was my fault, I should not have left you alone."  
"That's bullshit I'm a grown fucking man and I was just bawling like a baby. How is that your fault?" Dean's voice was muffled. Cas leaned his head against Dean and quietly explained what sub-drop was, his hands gliding over Dean's back and shoulder. Dean was slowly relaxing into his touch.   
"So basically, too many endorphins then crash and too few?" Cas nodded gently.   
"I shouldn't have left, you just sounded so calm and sure. That and you kind of looked like you were going to fall back asleep. It won't happen again, Dean. I promise."   
"I should have said something, I didn't want to be alone, but I also didn't want to sit on anything. I didn't want to get in the way of your paperwork." Cas sighed.   
"Okay, from now on you Have to tell me what you need. Why cover your face, Dean?"  
"I didn't want to interrupt you, I thought you would be mad. I just felt so alone." Dean's fingers tightened in Cas' shirt. Cas pulled his head back and looked at Dean one eyebrow raised in indignation.   
"I told you to call me. Why would I be mad?" Dean shrugged and pulled Cas back to him with a jerk. Cas just shook his head and sat with Dean just holding him. Half an hour passed before either one thought to move. Cas stood pulling Dean up with him. He padded into the kitchen with Dean a step behind and dug through the cupboards until he pulled out two packs of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. Dean chuckled quietly, eyeing the man in front of him.   
"Got something to say, Winchester?"  
"No, Sir." Dean smiled and Cas winked putting water on the stove. Cas made the hot cocoa and handed Dean his cup, sipping on his own. He leaned on the counter across from Dean with a speculative look.  
"Dean, how do you feel about hickeys?" Dean just lifted his eyes from his cup in surprise.   
"Sir, hickeys?"  
"Yes, hickeys. I want to mark you. You'll always have something to remind you that I care. That you aren't alone." Dean had to close his eyes and fight the shudder that tried to roll down his spine. Instead, he just nodded quickly. With his eyes shut, he missed the darkening of Cas' eyes. He listened to the click of the mug set on the counter and the soft swish of cloth. He felt Cas' heat against his skin, then his breath on his ear.   
"Where should I mark my good boy, hmm?" Dean's breath caught in his throat. "Here, or here? Maybe here?" Each time he asked his lips slid along the skin, throat, hip then thigh. Dean couldn't fight the moan, feeling Cas' lips on his thigh. "Ah, here then." Cas' voice was dark and hungry, Dean's eyes shot open to see Cas on his knees in front of him. Cas ran his hands up his legs and settled them on Dean's hips.  
"Spread your legs." Dean obeyed breathing heavy. Cas leaned forward his nose tracing a line to the inside of Dean's thigh, up to the soft skin six or so inches below the meeting of hip and leg. Dean was hard and getting harder. When he felt Cas open his mouth, tongue flicking out to taste skin he moaned sharply. Dean's moan changed to a shout when Cas bit down hard, teeth grabbing a hunk of skin and flesh. The first suck made Dean's knees shake, the second brought a groan. Heat pooling in his groin, it felt like the suction was wired straight to his dick.   
Dean gripped the counter behind him hard. Cas' fingers gripped his hips tight enough to bruise. Dean met his eyes, blown wide with lust and shuddered. Cas let his thigh go with a gentle lick over the darkened skin.   
"Please." Dean didn't know what he was asking for, but he was so close. Cas stood in one graceful movement leaning in and wrapping his arms around Dean's shoulders. He mouth right next to Dean's ear.  
"What does my good boy need? Do you need more?" With a light suck on Dean's ear, he waited.   
"Yes, Sir. Please!" Dean shivered, every time Cas called him 'his' he felt his eyes sting and his knees shake. Cas nipped his lip on the way back down.  
"Now Dean, I don't want you to come until I tell you." Cas voice was hoarse with lust. He bowed his head to Dean's other thigh and bit down hard. Mouth pulling a twin bruise to the soft flesh. One hand left Dean's hip and wrapped around his cock, hardly any pressure just skin sliding over skin. Dean groaned low in his throat and dropped his head back on his shoulders. He was panting and shaking. Cas let his leg go and looked up seeing Dean's head tipped back he smirked.   
"Come for me Dean. Be my good boy." Cas moved his hand and swallowed Dean's length in one smooth move. Back of his throat relaxing then with a small groan he swallowed around Dean's length. Dean screamed as he came down Cas' throat, feeling Cas swallow every drop. When Cas slid off with a soft pop Dean sank to his knees his head settling on Cas' shoulder.   
"You did so well Dean." Cas voice was soft, one hand sliding over Dean's hair. Dean felt like he was floating, he nuzzled into the side of Cas' neck kissing softly. "Look down Dean, see the marks I've left for you. Every time you see them, remember." Dean pulled back and looked down at his thighs at the dark bruises Cas had left, teeth marks around the bruising and smiled. Cas stood and pulled Dean to his feet. Cas grabbed the cups of hot chocolate and walked to the living room, Dean following happily. They settled on the couch and Cas pulled a blanket over them after he handed Dean his cup. Dean leaned on this beautiful man with a smile, Cas made him feel safe and wanted. They sipped their cocoa until it was gone, Cas setting the cups on the table next to them. The silence was comfortable, Dean resting on his shoulder. It didn't take long for Dean to fall asleep.   
Cas sat there and thought, 'I just claimed him. This isn't right, I can't claim him. He's not mine, even if I want him to be. Shit. I really want him to be. I'm in too deep.' HIs eyes drifted closed as he thought falling gently into sleep.   
They both woke with a start sometime later when the phone rang. Cas stood slowly tucking a pillow under Dean's head and kissed his forehead letting his drift back to sleep when he answered the phone, walking into his office.   
"Hello?" Cas' voice was rough with sleep.   
"Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Judge Mills. She needs the progress report for Mr. Dean Winchester."   
"Yes, your office will have it within the hour."   
"Thank you, Mr. Novack. Goodbye, and have a nice afternoon."  
"You as well." Cas hung up and sat back down at his desk if he was fast he could finish this, and order a gift for Dean before he woke up. He might not be able to keep Dean, but he could damn well spoil him while he had the chance. 

Dean woke slowly. He opened his eyes and saw Cas on the chair nearby.   
"Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep."  
"It's fine, it gave me a chance to finish my paperwork. Besides you had a pretty intense day." Cas smiled and stood up holding out his hand. "I made dinner too."  
"Damn how long was I asleep?"   
"An hour and a half." Dean nodded and headed to the bathroom. "I'll be there in a minute." Cas mhmed and walked to plate their food. Homemade mac and cheese with hamburger bits and peas.   
Dean looked at the hickeys on his legs and smiled, it gave him a warm fuzzy feeling. He was washing his hands and froze. Warm and fuzzy? Well fuck, he was in love with his fucking shrink.   
"Son of a bitch." He turned off the water and dried his hands thinking furiously. He couldn't let Cas know, Cas might want him, might care about him but if he was in love with him he might have to pass him to someone else.  
Dinner was a relatively quiet half hour. Dean had to admit Cas was an okay cook.   
"Did you want to sleep alone of with me tonight?" Cas asked as Dean shuffled to the back of the house.   
"Can I sleep alone tonight? I wanna think."  
"Sure, Dean. Whatever you want. Just know my door is open." When Dean went to turn away Cas pulled him close and kissed his forehead.  
"You were very good today Dean. Very brave." Cas pulled away with a smile and walked into his room closing the door gently. Dean felt a small smile pull at the corner of his lips as he walked to his room.   
They lay in bed and thought, the both of them worrying about how strongly they were feeling.   
This was wrong, but they were having trouble caring.


	13. A Tease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has an idea.... but as typical, it doesn't go quite as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small chapter with some gratuitous smut for everyone who has stuck with me and been kind enough to leave beautiful comments that never fail to make my day.

Cas woke early, at watched the light creep across his ceiling. It didn’t matter how much he cared for Dean. He would have to let him go, Dean deserved a life free of guilt and self-doubt Cas was here to give that to him. Not use the trust Dean gave him to keep him by his side, no matter how much he might want it.   
No harm in enjoying it now, though.  
Dean sat listening to birds chirp, Cas wouldn’t love him. He was his shrink, he cared and he definitely wanted him but it was a type of therapy. Cas must have decided lust was an okay sideline show to therapy. Not that Dean was complaining, well as long as it wasn’t a regular practice.   
But Fuck if he wasn’t going to enjoy it, maybe Cas would fall for his perky nipples. 

When the beeping started Cas smacked his alarm and stood up. He smiled remembering the marks on Dean. Maybe he’d make pigs in blankets for breakfast, he had sausage links and croissants.  
Dean listened to Cas leave his room and smirked, he wanted to tease the man today. If he had to deal with all these uncomfortable _feelings_ Cas could be uncomfortable too. He waited for a few minutes and dipped into the bathroom quietly. He started the shower turning the water almost warmer than he could stand and let his skin flush with the heat. He bit his lips hard to make sure they were just slightly swollen. The idea of turning Cas on and the sight of the marks on his legs had his length filling slightly. It was sad how turned on he was thinking about luring Cas in.   
Cas turned with the tray in his hand and almost dropped the damn thing. Dean was standing at the edge of the kitchen rubbing a towel on his wet hair, skin a flushed rosy color lips plump and red, his eyes were damn near sparkling, and his cock was half hard even in the morning chill.   
“So what’s for breakfast? It smells great.” Cas just set the tray on the top of the cooling rack and stepped around the counter with a very deliberate movement.  
“I made pigs in blankets. I hope that’s okay with you?” Cas saw the smug light in Dean’s eyes, this little fucker was teasing him intentionally. Cas used one hand to reach down and stroke Dean until he was completely hard and holding back moans. “You look nice today Dean.” Cas turned his back and took down some plates, using the moment to collect himself. This was a difficult game Dean wanted to play, he looked so…. _Yummy._   
Dean took a couple of breaths to calm himself down, Cas was an ass.   
Cas piled them all on one plate and sat at the table.   
“Dean grab a pillow from the couch and come back here.” Dean raised one eyebrow but turned and grabbed the pillow and came back.   
“Now kneel next to me on it.” Cas didn’t look at him but pointed to the spot he wanted Dean in.   
This was not how Dean saw the morning going, but he knelt he wanted to see what Cas was thinking. Cas broke several of the finger foods into bite size pieces and held one down to him. When Dean reached up to grab it Cas pulled it away.  
“Cas?” Dean looked up in confusion, he wasn’t just going tease him was he?  
“Don’t use your hands Dean. You wanted to tease me this morning, I saw the look. So now we will be moving at my pace all day, starting now.” Dean cursed under his breath and when Cas looked down one eyebrow raised high Dean leaned forward to take the bite. Though not without gliding his tongue over the ends of his fingers. He moaned quietly at the flavor, these were great.   
So much for teasing Cas into bed, it looked like Cas was going to spend the day making sure he knew who was in charge of all the activities.   
Breakfast went quickly and Cas was plotting the whole time. How to slide Dean back into a submissive place without making him feel pushed down. Though he was completely proud of Dean, he had taken control and not doubted for a second. Even if it was a small act of teasing it showed motivation and a willingness to go after what he wanted.   
Cas helped Dean up and slid all the dishes in the sink.   
“Come with me.” Cas tossed a blanket over the couch and pointed. “Get comfortable.” Dean scowled lightly but settled on the blanket in a sprawl.   
“Now I’m going to shower,” Cas used one hand to prop himself over Dean and the other to stroke the man lightly. “While I am, you will keep touching yourself. You will not come until I tell you. Do you understand?” Dean nodded his eyes slightly glazed with lust. “Good boy.” Cas pulled his hand away and Dean replaced it with his own. Cas smiled and went to shower, very slowly.   
Dean was panting, this had to be the longest shower in history. He was so hard it hurt, all his skin felt feverish, but he kept up the slow stroke he started with. Enough to keep him hard but not enough to make him come. Whimpers were being pulled from his throat by the time Cas stepped into the living room.   
Towel in one hair rubbing it over his dripping raven locks, just like Dean had been earlier. Dean froze moan coming from his throat at the sight.   
“Did I say stop?” Cas looked at him loftily with a small smirk, and Dean groaned starting to move his hand again. Cas dropped the towel and walked forward until he was standing next to the wonton man on the couch. Cas felt himself flush and fill when Dean started to moan. He reached down and started to stroke himself in time with Dean a small huff of breath leaving him. When Dean saw him matching his movements, his eyes flicked from Cas’ face to his groin then back and he sped his hand up adding a twist of the wrist right at the head.   
Cas moaned as he matched the movement, his lids drooping as he straddled Dean's waist.   
“ _Move your hand._ ” Cas growled his command his voice pulling a shudder from Dean. His hands moved to grip Cas’ thighs and Cas gripped them both in one hand and lowered himself balancing his weight on the other hand to kiss Dean deeply.   
They moaned as Cas worked them both in his hand, their tongues dancing. Dean's fingers gripping tight leaving hand prints.   
“Cas I’m gonna, I can’t!” Dean sounded wrecked and it made Cas moan.  
“Come for me Dean!” He growled it in his ear moaning Dean's name as he felt him come. Dean's release pulling Castiel's from him right after.   
Dean was panting and running his hands over the thighs he had just been squeezing for dear life when Cas chuckled.   
“I really intended for that to be a longer punishment.” Dean's laugh was cut off as Cas slid down and started to lick his stomach and cock clean. Once Cas was satisfied he pulled Dean to his feet and lifted the blanket to cover them both as they settled under it.   
“You felt so good, Dean.” Cas’ voice was husky in his ear as he snuggled into the warm hold.   
“So did you.” The silence lasted for a few minutes while they wound down until Dean spoke quietly.   
“So what’s on the agenda for today?”  
“Well, today we’re making lists. You’ll be making lists of what you want to try, and a list of things you think you need to work on in our therapy hour. I’ll be making calls to see if we can get your uncle to come for dinner in the next week or so if you want to see him?” Dean nodded simultaneously pleased and worried, with both their projects. Cas hummed and squeezed him lightly. “We can take a half hour siesta before we start if you want?” Dean nodded again and settled deeper into the arms of the man he was growing to love.  
Cas held him tight and listened to him breathe. He was just so fucked, how was he going to let this perfect man go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has requests that you want to make the lists- now is the time to tell me!


	14. Lists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small smutty chapter, as a thank you for waiting and being understanding about the computer crash.

Dean sat looking at the two papers in front of him. The list of sexual trials was going much better than his self help list. He had a list of five on one and none on the other. So he sat back and thought hard. What did he as a person need to work on? He could only think of three things, or at least three that weren’t don’t be a fuck up- it would need to be enough. When Cas came back into the room it was with a smile.   
“Bobby will be joining us the day after tomorrow for dinner, he’ll arrive around two pm. You’ll get dressed and ready an hour or so before in case he’s early. We’ll also wait for our daily talk until after he has gone home. I thought that would be easier for you.” Dean nodded with a smile. It would be good to see Bobby again. Dean lifted his papers and watched as Cas read through.   
Cas was impressed Dean had been honest and had actually tried. His self help list had been done exactly like a list.   
Deal with old shit without losing my cool.   
Be more open about chick-flick stuff to myself.   
Learn how to not blame myself for other people's mistakes.   
His ‘Sexcapaides’ list was slightly more detailed and written to be aimed at him.  
I want to touch and taste every inch of you Cas.  
I want you to make me into a writhing mess with that flogger you bought.   
I want to ride you, and try to make you come.  
Shower sex with you, slippery and hot.  
I want you to use that spreader bar and paddle to keep me how you want me, making my ass red.   
Cas raised his eyebrows. He wanted to do all of those things and all three items on Dean's self-help list were things he could agree to.   
“Very good. All well thought out and provocative.” Dean smiled from where he sat. It always felt good to please Cas.   
“Kneel for me Dean. I think we can work on one of these now.” Dean slid to his knees with no hesitation. He was hoping Cas would let him taste him, Dean wanted to know what Cas sounded like when he was only receiving pleasure. When Cas’ fingers drifted to the button of his pants Dean whimpered, he wanted this. Dean didn’t care why he wanted it but in that moment it was all consuming.   
Cas watched Dean go from content to desperate for touch with nothing but a few words and it was beautiful. He lowered his pants and boxers, stepping out of them and towards the kneeling man. Dean shook but he didn’t leap on him, he was following Cas’ edict. ‘You take what I give you as I give it.’   
“Touch me Dean. Put your mouth on me.” Now that permission was given Dean slid forward. Hands sliding up Cas’ legs gripping the firm globes of his ass. His lips leaving a trail of kisses across his thighs. Cas was having trouble breathing, Dean’s hands and his lips were like the sweetest kind of torture. Every sensation setting his nerves alight. When Dean swiped the tip of his tongue across the now very hard erection in front of him Cas moaned.   
It was a beautiful sound, Dean decided. He wanted more. He licked the head of Cas’ cock again savoring the oddly bitter taste. He slipped his lips around the head and sucked gently and he felt Cas twitch. He sank down relaxing his jaw and pulled as much of Cas in as he could pressing his tongue along the bottom of his cock.   
“Oh, God Dean!” The moan sounded like it had been ripped from Cas’ throat and it made Dean snap. He had wanted to go slow, he didn’t want to give Cas any clues about this part of his past but he couldn’t help the desire to make Cas fall apart. He bobbed his head quickly keeping his jaw and throat relaxed. The sounds he was pulling from Cas were intoxicating. He was getting louder and his hands buried themselves in Dean’s hair.   
“Dean I’m going to come.” The words were growled around clenched teeth, and they were the best thing Dean had ever heard. Dean swallowed down every bit of Cas’ pleasure, when he was done he pulled of with a pop and settled his hands on his thighs. He wouldn’t touch without permission, but it was hard. Cas sank down in front of him and kissed him.   
“That was perfect Dean. You are such a good boy for me. Now lean back and let me take care of you.”  
Dean sank back and let his legs relax, Cas sliding his hands under his legs and _lifting_ until Dean's ass was level with Cas’ face. Most of his weight balanced on his forearms behind him.   
Cas started to kiss his thighs, working his way up. Light sucking on Dean’s rather full sack. Then the bit Dean was unprepared for, the bit that dragged the most undignified keen from his mouth. Cas’ tongue ran over his hole, gently laving. Hot bit’s of fire racing over his skin, his lungs too full and too empty all at once. When Cas tensed his tongue and worked it past the tight ring of muscle Dean’s legs started to shake.   
He was hard from the moment Cas touched his pants, but right now he was sure he was simply going to die. Cas pulled his leg up onto his shoulder and using the free hand he slid a finger alongside his tongue. The ball of his finger rhythmically rubbing his prostate. Dean was close now, close to screaming too. Every muscle pulled tight, every nerve singing.   
“Cas, Cas, Cas, CAS!” Right before he came Cas pulled his mouth away, and used his other hand to angle his cock down towards his knees. It felt like the orgasm went on forever, pulling and pulling. When Dean felt his legs lowered he opened his eyes and looked at the man between his legs and moaned. Cas had his come all over his face.   
“Sit up beautiful. Lick me clean?” Dean sat up but he heard the question in Cas’ voice, he was giving him a chance to opt out without the need to call the safeword. It made Dean more determined than ever, he sat forward and licked Cas’ face clean. He paid homage to the man who made him feel. Who gave him a way out even when it wasn't necessary. He licked and kissed the face he loved. Cas sat still smiling and content Dean’s small licks and kisses warming him.   
“Shall we take a shower Dean?” He stood and started towards the shower once Dean was on his feet. That’s when something clicked in Dean’s mind.   
“Did you call me Beautiful?!” He was outraged, and well secretly pleased though he didn’t plan to mention that to anyone ever.   
“Yes I did.” The words left Cas’ mouth in such a tone of fact voice he had to shrug. It wasn't worth picking a fight over. Not really.


	15. Turning Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner

After their shower they stripped both beds and changed the linens setting the sheets out to wash in the morning. Once that was done they settled in the master bedroom side by side.  
“So what should we cook Bobby?” Cas’ voice was soft in the darkness.  
“He really likes burgers.”  
“Then burgers it is.” Cas dropped a kiss on top of Dean’s head with a smile. He was doing so well. Making choices without doubting himself unnecessarily. Cas felt the smile slowly slide away. Dean was going to graduate soon, that meant he would leave. He tightened his arms around the man next to him, breathing deep. He wanted to memorize the smell and feel of him, before he lost him. Cas honestly didn't know if he would even try a relationship after Dean. He was beautiful inside and out. Oh he’d survive, move on, go through the motions- but he could see himself missing Dean for the rest of his life.   
Dean felt Cas tighten his arms and smiled, he turned his head into the chest under his head and kissed. Cas made him feel safe and wanted for the first time in his life. it was a wonderful feeling. The scary part though was how fragile it felt. Cas kept the panic at bay though, like he was the balm for the burn.   
They drifted of to sleep, their minds painting pictures of the future.   
The beep of the alarm was unwelcome in the morning light. Cas let his hand fall on the clock with a groan.   
“Do we have to?” Dean’s voice was muffled by the pillow.   
“You can sleep a while longer, I have to go to the office for an appointment but I’ll be back later.” Cas’ voice was rough with sleep. Dean nodded but rolled over and planted a kiss on his shoulder.   
“Have fun.” With that Dean pulled the blanket over his head. Cas chuckled and stood pulling a suit from the closet and headed to the bathroom. 

When Dean woke it was to the sound of the front door. He rolled out of bed pulling the sheet with him. As he shuffled out into the living room he saw Cas kick off his shoes carrying a tray and a bag from a bakery.   
“Did I wake you?”  
“Yeah, it's okay though. If I can have some of what ever you are carrying I’ll forgive you.”  
“Well I guess I’ll have to share then huh?” Cas chuckled as he set down the coffee and baked goods. “After breakfast, why don’t you go through what we have in the kitchen and see if we’re missing anything for the burgers. I’m going to clean up the house a bit.” Dean looked around with surprised eyes, if Cas thought this was dirty he was suddenly glad Cas had never seen any of the places he had lived in his youth.   
“Sure, Cas. I have to say though this’ll be plenty clean for Bobby.” Cas smiled and cocked his head to the side.   
“Well, I’m glad. It’ll make me feel better though.” Dean just smiled and settled on a stool with his head in his hand.   
“How did your morning go?”  
“It went well, thank you. I hope you had restful sleep?” Cas made small talk with a smile as they ate breakfast. He was simultaneously proud, happy and sad. At no point had Dean looked panicked while pointing out Cas may be doing something unnecessary. At no point had he questioned his right to sit and talk and eat like normal. He was doing so well. After they dropped their trash in the can they each started moving around each other in companionable silence. Cas taking his sheet from Dean’s body to wash it. With the added bonus of watching leithe muscle moving around his kitchen.   
“It looks like we have everything we need. How would you feel about fries as a side?”  
“Sounds like a plan. Do you want to get dressed now or wait?” Dean thought for a minute then answered quietly.   
“Is later okay? I think it’ll make me feel weird.” Cas just nodded with a smile.   
“Of course. I’ll be done in a minute. Go pick a movie for us, please.” Dean nodded happily. He loved movie time with Cas. It was okay to cuddle during a movie, hell it was practically expected. He settled for a short action movie so they would have time to get dinner done before Bobby arrived. He settled himself on the couch and turned to watch Cas putter around the house. He felt so comfortable here, it felt like a home should. He knew that was bad- this wasn't his home he couldn’t stay forever. Cas wanted him sure, that didn’t mean Cas wanted him forever. Dean just planned to enjoy the now and fall apart later. He didn’t want to loose this goofy wonderful man, but it wasn’t up to him; and he wasn’t willing to bet he would get a happy ending. When Cas put away the last of his cleaning supplies Dean stood to put the movie in.   
“So what are we watching?” That’s when Dean froze- he hadn't checked to see if the movie was alright. What if Cas didn’t like it?  
“I’m so sorry I didn’t check first! It’s just a stupid action movie! I’ll take it out!”  
“Whoa, Dean calm down. I told you to pick the movie. I was just curious. Take a deep breath.” Cas stood still as he watched the tension drain from Dean’s body, then almost immediately after the anger at himself replaced it. Cas had learned Dean’s shoulders were an index to his mood- it was quite helpful.   
“Why did you panic?”  
“I don’t know!” Dean ran his hand over his head and turned away. _What the hell was that Winchester?_  
Cas settled his hands on Dean’s shoulders and pulled him back against his chest. He spaced his gently spoken words with kisses to the nape of Dean’s neck.   
“Every-single-thing-is just-fine. Relax for me.” He ran his hands down the strong arms in front of him. Dean let himself sag against the man behind him, taking comfort in the soft touch of lips and hands, the gently spoken words.   
“Sorry, I’m not really sure what that was.” Cas let his hands snake around and trail gently along hips and lower belly.   
“Well we can figure out why later when we talk. Why don’t I make you moan my name now?” Dean felt his body responding to the sinfully deep voice and the feel of hands over skin. He jerked his eyes up to the clock, only an hour and a half before Bobby showed up. The groan that slid out of his throat was all melodrama, but hey- it was fair- right?  
“Do we have time?”  
“I’ll make you come in five.” The words were whispered, hot breath ghosting over his ear. Cas’s hand slid down and grasped him and started to stroke, the hips behind hip rolling rhythmically against his ass.   
“You’re going to come for me Dean. Then you’ll watch me lick my fingers clean.” His voice dropping ever deeper, rasping and interspersed with soft moans. Dean could feel how hard Cas was, hear it in his voice. It was amazing that he got to feel this mans hands. The words flowing over his ear were making him lust drunk. He could feel his orgasm racing for him, it would have been embarrassing… except that was his command.   
“What did I tell you Dean? I said come for me.” The order was repeated in a growl and the only thing that held him up was Cas as Dean came with a low moan. He rolled his head back to look at Cas.   
Cas was gently licking his come off his fingers, his eyes sparking. When he leaned down and pressed a kiss to Dean’s lips, Dean could taste himself there.   
“Good boy.” The praise was whispered over slick lips.   
Dean turned to wrap his arms around him with a smile. Somehow, Cas always slid seamlessly between himself and his self hate. It’s like he was Dean’s very own horny angel.   
“Thank you, Cas.” Cas just smiled gently and claimed his lips in another kiss. Dean could _feel_ the unspoken ‘anytime’.   
“I’ll go start the burgers, you go find some clothes you’ll be comfortable in. Can’t have you getting burned while you help cook. I’ll also need you to tell me if you’re okay with Bobby seeing us touch. Think about it for a minute then tell me.” Dean nodded and went to do as he was told. The peace in his heart was struggling though as he stood looking at his clothes. He pulled on a pair of dark jeans that made his ass look good but then he hesitated. Shouldn’t Cas be telling him what to wear? Yes, but his order was to pick- he groaned. He was a grown man, why was he dithering over a shirt, he shouldn’t need Cas to decide for him, right? He reached out a hand and picked one up, see, he didn’t NEED Cas to decide. He just wanted it.   
He looked up when he heard a gentle tap on his door frame.   
“Having trouble deciding which one?” He nodded. “Well which two do you like best?”   
Dean held up a black tee and a green, Cas studied them then pointed to the black.  
“I like the black one.”  
“Black it is then.” Dean smiled as he dropped the green back on the bed. That was normal, right? People ask for second opinions all the time. As he pulled on the shirt he listened to the deep breath Cas pulled into his lungs.   
“So, are you okay with Bobby seeing us touch?”  
“Well he wouldn’t care if I was with a man, he was always more understanding than my father. Though you are my therapist, couldn’t you get in trouble?”   
“Only if you want to press charges because you felt pressured.”   
“Well then it won’t matter if he does, though we could tune it back a little. We are kinda grabby with each other. No need to scar the man.” Cas smirked then nodded.   
“Well then why don’t we do this? Every time we want to touch while he’s here we take a drink of water. That way we’ll know- but he won’t.” Dean smiled, he liked that idea it sounded fun.   
“Sounds good.” They both returned to the kitchen to finish the burgers, Dean cooking and Cas setting out the condiments- veggies and cheese. A knock sounded on the door ten till and Dean chuckled while he plated the patties.   
“He’s always early.” Cas walked to get the door with a deep breath. He pulled open the door and smiled, the man on the other side looked surly and… comfortable with it.   
“Welcome, I’m Castiel; you must be Bobby. Dean has told me a lot about you.” Cas held open the door and waved the man through.  
“Don’t believe a word of it. Hey boy, you in here?” Bobby called out as he walked forward and followed Dean’s voice as Cas closed the door. He stopped when he walked into the kitchen, looking back over his shoulder.   
“Nice place. Those are burgers I smell?”   
“Thank you, and yes.” Dean closed Bobby in a tight hug the older man squeezing just as tight.   
“Heya, Bobby.”  
“Hey yourself. I missed you kid, how you doing?”   
“Better.” Bobby held Dean away and looked at his face, his eyes and smiled.  
“Well what do you know, I actually believe you.” At Dean’s chuckle they all settled around the table, conversation flowing easily, well around mouthfuls of burger anyway. Cas watched Dean carefully, but even when Sam came up he stayed calm. You could see the sadness, but it wasn’t debilitating anymore. He could laugh about his brother's halloween antics. The water glass in front of Dean remained untouched. While he was glad Dean didn’t need to keep that in the back of his mind, it was also painful. Dean was progressing so well- he wouldn’t need Cas soon. That was wonderful, and painful. Cas drained his glass by the time dinner was done and Dean was showing Bobby out. Cas said good-bye and left them to have a minute alone while he started to tidy up the kitchen.   
He couldn’t allow himself to become sad at the thought of Dean leaving, that was the whole point.   
But if that was the case, why did it feel like his heart was breaking?


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not completely happy with this, but it's short and sweet so you could have something for the wait.  
> My inspiration for this fic has been steadily fading. While I don't intend to abandon it I am fighting to finish it.   
> So- if you have and request, ideas or critiques feel free to lay them on me. maybe they'll kick my muse in the ass?

Dean came back into the kitchen smiling. It had been so good to see Bobby. His goodbye still ringing in his ears.  
  
_It was good to see you boy, you look happier than I’ve seen you in a while. Don’t forget once this is all over you still have a room with me if you want it._ The table and counters were already clean and Cas was scrubbing a plate with a small frown on his face.  
“Cas, everything alright?”  
“Hm? Oh yes, just lost in thought. Did you have a good time this evening Dean?”  
“Yeah, it was good to see him. He offered me a room once I’m home free.”  
“That’s a good thing, yes?”  
“Yeah, Bobby’s was really the only place I’ve felt at home.” Cas slid the last dish in the cabinet and turned, forcing his face to smooth.  
“Are you ready for our hour?” Dean made a face.  
“Can we take tonight off? I’m in such a good mood, I don’t want to poke old hurts.” With a sigh, Cas nodded.  
“Just tonight then. What would you like to do?” Dean looked around and smiled.  
“Why don’t we watch that movie?” Cas nodded and moved to follow Dean, trying desperately to shove his melancholy away. 

 

Dean’s word’s digging into him, _only place I’ve ever felt at home. But I want him to feel at home here, with me. It might be wrong and selfish, but he’s so beautiful. I don’t want to be alone again when he leaves._  
Cas went through the motions on auto-pilot, letting his body lead while his mind spun.  
_I’ll send him away soon, and I’ll be alone. Just like I’m supposed to. I’ll miss him so much. The house will be so empty, at least I got to know him and hold him. This beautiful man and his life brushed mine. That will just have to be enough._  
He pulled Dean’s body close, resenting the layers of fabric between them. 

 

Dean watched Cas more than he watched the movie.For all the man’s face was smooth, and his heart beat calm under Dean’s hand… It seemed like he was upset. He took a deep breath halfway through the movie and decided to do something about it. He didn’t like the tension in Cas. 

 

Cas looked over when Dean stood and lifted a brow watching as Dean slowly started to strip. First, the shirt, then the jeans slid slowly down revealing still dark hickeys. Cas felt his breath hitch.  
He was beautiful. Completely sinful.  
“Cas.”  
“Yes, Dean?”  
“Is there something I can do to please you?” The words left Dean’s mouth completely unfiltered.  
He wanted to be embarrassed, but the pure _want_ that flashed across Cas’s face wouldn’t let him, instead all he felt was lust.  
“You want to please me?”  
“Yes, Cas. What do you want me to do?” The words were soft, unsure. But the desire in the set Cas alight. His fingers started slowly slipping buttons free.  
“Do you want to ride me, Dean? Will you do that for me?” He wouldn’t make him, but he wanted to watch the man move above him. He wanted to watch Dean fuck himself, watch Dean take him. Cas stood and dropped the remainder of his clothes in a heap on the floor. He nodded as he watched Cas's clothes pool on the floor.  
“If you’re going to ride me, I have to get you ready first. Bend over for me, lean forward.” Cas put a gentle pressure between Dean’s shoulder blades. The younger man bent forward and braced his hands on the couch in front of him. 

Cas knelt behind him, Dean was _not_ expecting the hot wet press of tongue to slide over his hole. The slow slide and flickering dragging a moan up from his throat.  
  
“God, Cas.” Dean couldn’t believe he was letting this happen, but the idea of making Cas stop was almost painful. Each hot drag of tongue like a lash of pure desire in his core. Cas used his hands to pull his cheeks apart dipping his tongue in. Dean's breath caught on a sob, he felt like he couldn't breathe and like he was hyperventilating all at the same time. His skin has like a race of hot and cold over ever inch. He was moaning unabashedly. He didn't know how long he stood bent braced against the couch but when Cas stood behind him Dean knew he was begging. He couldn't find it in himself to give a damn either. 

Cas only stood and pressed his fingers into Dean once he started to beg. His breath coming on sobs, his legs shaking.  
  
"Please Cas, I need you inside me. Please, now! Just don't make me wait anymore, please Cas"  
  
He let his fingers ghost over Deans prostate each time he added a finger to stretch him, each time he praised him.  
  
"You're being so good for me Dean. So beautiful like this. Behaving so well for me."  
  
Cas pulled Dean up and kissed him deeply before he sat on the couch in front of him. Dean slid into his lap with no hesitation, one leg on either on either side. His lips sliding over Cas' shoulder and neck before landing back on his mouth and kissing him hungrily. Dean lifted himself up and slid down spearing himself slowly on Cas' cock.  
  
Cas kept his hands under Deans thighs, keeping the man from rushing. Each kiss lingering, each touch soft. Dean could feel his insides melting, heat pooling and insides clenching from lust and desire and his heart pounding, but not from exertion. The blue eyes in front of him were soft and each place they touched felt like it was on fire.  
  
"Cas please I need-"  
  
"Shh, Dean I've got you. Can you come for me? My good boy?" Cas' voice set Dean alight the pool of heat inside turning to a blaze as he came with a cry curling into Cas' chest. He felt Cas chase his own release for a few moments after him and come with a groan, his arms snaking around to hold Dean tight. 

"You did so well Dean. May I ask why you felt like doing something to please me, though? What was it you needed in that moment that made you want to please me?" Cas pulled back with a small smile and kissed Deans nose.  
  
"You seemed upset, I wanted to make it better." Cas blinked and dropped his head on Deans shoulder.  
  
"Thank you, Dean, that was very sweet. I was alright, though. I'm supposed to be helping you, though." Cas' voice was slightly muffled against Deans' shoulder.  
"Well, I wanted to help. I like it. It feels good."  
Cas just picked his head back up and smiled at the slightly smirking man. 

After a shower, Cas put them to bed with a small smile and held Dean tight. Dean stayed relaxed but thought hard, tonight had been different. That had been very different, it had been oddly like making love…  
How deep was it safe to go with Cas? He wasn’t going to be able to stay. Would Cas even want him to? Like Cas said- He was _Supposed_ to be helping Dean. So was this all one sided. How far could he really trust himself? It’s not like he didn't have a history of royally fucking up before.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Destiel fic, please let me know what you think?


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